Saturday, February 14, 2015

Valentine! How I Love Thee! Then There's the Rest of You...

I have so many this year! I want to celebrate you all in one fell swoop. For all the shitty shit that happens to people and the shitty people that make it even shittier, there are people I know, people I hear about, who, like many a weary Japanese food scientist, take shit and make delicious turd steaks by simply doing the right thing. You are lovers, righters of wrongs, champions of reason and being reasonable and, honestly, the reason I wake up every morning.

Could you be my Valentine?

Do you
1.   offer before someone has a chance to ask? VALENTINE!
2.   give freely? VALENTINE!  You are no Geppetto! No strings for you!
3.   tell people you love them when you do? VALENTINE!
4.   hug without reservation, but respect people's space? VALENTINE!
5.   value people over things and money? VALENTINE!
6.   accept your body and don't judge people on theirs? VALENTINE!
7.   know you don't know everything and are okay with that? VALENTINE!
8.   stand up for those that can't stand up for themselves? VALENTINE!
9.   willingly make sacrifices for a friend that needs help? VALENTINE!
10. put your kids first? VALENTINE!
11. ask for help now, after years of useless suffering? VALENTINE!
12. find yourself alone, finally, for all the right reasons? VALENTINE!
13. fill people up? VALENTINE!
14. build people up? VALENTINE!
15. sympathize before you judge? VALENTINE!
16. give the benefit of the doubt? VALENTINE!
17. see the world in technicolor, not black and white? VALENTINE!
18. choose to not be ashamed of who you are, warts and all? VALENTINE!
19. believe? try? fail and still feel okay? VALENTINE!
20. act like a human volcano, erupting with hope, burning with a desire to be better, and cover everyone in your vicinity with fine dust of "We're all going to be alright."? VALENTINE!

I'm bringing you all in for a virtual huggle, your heads resting on my fluffy, heaving bosom while love pours out of me and covers you like a freshly glazed doughnut of love.

Now for the rest of you fuckers:

Do you
1.   judge before you love? SUDDEN INTRACTABLE ENNUI!
2.   think of your children as an inconvenience? LEGOS IN YOUR SHOES FOREVER!
3.   actually believe that bootstrappin' is universal? A THOUSAND KICKS IN THE ASS!
4.   encourage divisive behavior? ENDLESS CAMPFIRE KUMBAYA SINGALONG!
5.   think that people that don't fit your standard of beauty are less than you? LICE! YOU GET LICE!
6.   believe your religion is the only valid religion? HEAVEN WILL BE AN ETERNITY OF UU MEETINGS
7.   use social media to bully people? LEPROSY!
8.   treat your friends like royalty and your family like serfs? EAR BOXING AND AGGRESSIVE LEECHING
9.   deny your privilege and claim to be a victim? STUDENT LOAN SNAFU THAT NEVER ENDS
10. agree with Kanye? Meh. You're already dead inside. AS YOU WERE

Song for my Valentines... I Will Always Love You
Song for the people that make my people miserable... Medicine

Monday, February 9, 2015

Doin' It, Doin' It, Doin' It Well

Dear Eve,

I really like my new girlfriend but she wants to have some pretty far out sex. I feel like I'm open sexually, but she is like     w  i   d  e     o   p   e   n.   
It is early in the relationship but we seem to be on the same page on everything else which is hard to find. 

Is sexual incompatibility a relationship-breaker? Who should give in? I simply don't feel comfortable with the road she wants to go down.


Image by Sarah Eshak
Buy it here:

Dear Karen,

Way to go! Congratulations on finding an awesome girlfriend! Someone that suits you in all the right places is a gift. Fitting together sexually, though, is super-duper holy-cow sweet-pickled-beaver! important. I would posit that you are not quite as compatible as you think you are if you really are in different time zones in the physical love department, my sweet lady.

You may be able to show a spender that it can be fun to save, a slob that a cleaner house is simply more relaxing, motivate a couch potato.... But changing what turns someone on? That's rewiring someone, changing a fundamental part of them. That's both of you quietly crying after sex because neither one of you is getting your needs met. That shit right there makes ME cry.

Maybe I'm a little myopic on the subject. I really believe that we shouldn't change how we express ourselves sexually to make a relationship work because, frankly, sex doesn't work that way. Unless it's in your nature to be open to explore, accept, reject, and laugh about it and be "wide open", as you say, but then you wouldn't need advice. You're not laughing, Karen. You're a big, ol' sad clown in your little love circus. I think it's time you become the ringmaster.

Be very good friends with your lady. Be the best friends. Find someone else, though, to hump you through these cold winter nights, unless you're in Florida then FUCK OFF, KAREN. FUCK OFF! There's is a person out there for you. Remember: there will be years when you're broke, going through hard times, hitting roadblocks, eating shit sandwiches on the reg... those are times when staying connected physically can save your asses and remind you of the salad days. And then, Karen, when you're old and grey and full of sleep and nodding by the fire, you're going to want a woman that's going to take you by the hand, bring you to bed and make you remember why you're still breathing.

This is not the time to settle! It's your time, babe! Go forth and find your match! If Newt Gingrich can find three women to marry him and mess with the space/time continuum and break ancient laws of physics and decency, I am extremely confident that there is someone made to fit your curves, who will return your smile with a twinkle, who will melt into your arms like full-fat butter on a hot biscuit and who will, most importantly, not want you to wear a fox tail butt plug if you're not into it. (Thanks Etsy! You always have what I need!)

You've got this, Karen! You are a beautiful ancient sea turtle, swimming with mermaids; your shell covered with mossy dreams, your stumpy, scaly little legs ready to carry you onto an isthmus of passion, where you will lay love eggs for the rest of your days and hopefully not mistake a plastic bag for a jellyfish and die a horrific death from ingesting something that should have been banned decades ago.


Song of the day: If You're Into It

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Germans! Put A Stein on It!

Dear Eve,

I'm one of those people you don't like. I had an affair. It was strange and didn't follow what I think is a normal flow of affairs. First, the guy was from Germany, which makes him the nicest guy ever. Really, my perfect match beyond all reason or understanding. A wicked connection. But I said affair, so affair means I have a person that I am committed to, a good person, too, that I've been with for a long time. Not a perfect match, but a GOOD person. Second, we hardly ever saw each other and never actually did "it", though that didn't diminish the realness of it to me.

Then life happened in a big way. If there was a problem that could come up, it did. A complete mess. I couldn't maintain one relationship, let alone two. But the worst thing, I have to say, is the guilt of hurting two people you love, even though you love them differently. I couldn't throw enough love over to Germany to be fair and match what I wanted to give and couldn't bear thought of my partner finding out and feeling foolish or fooled. At the same time, if I could somehow not hurt anyone, I would change my citizenship status, ASAP, but that is dreaming and I can't afford to dream right now.

But I am a coward and can't end my international romance. I know if I see him or talk to him I will buckle and bend, so I have been avoiding it. He deserves Autobahn love, and I'm an American main street with a stop light at every corner.

I need advice. I don't know what to do. Please help!

Thanks in advance,

Dear Heart-broken,

Yeah. You're right. I'm not riding the cheating train, don't recommend it, don't want my taxes funding it, or have hard-working Americans riding the rails to get their thrills. That was a really bad metaphor. Meh. Blame it on the K-k-k-k-k-ketamine.

So let's look at you, Heart-broken. You: in a serious relationship with a GOOD person, you find a perfect match a little too late, take it too far, and now are in serious emotional shit. Good. If you're going to fuck up, fuck up like this. Feel guilty. Feel the burn. Basically think of cheating, even though you skipped the in-and-out (insert jerk-off gesture and serious eye roll), as carpet Napalming multiple families. Cheating destroys. It's a gift that keeps on giving and if there are kids involved, HELLO TRUST ISSUES! It's fucking selfish. Feel bad. Back the fuck up, turn around, look at your surroundings and do or do not do. Have the decency to have a whole feeling and act on it. Think about the people that will be collateral damage. I'm assuming you're an adult. You don't get to have your cake and eat it, too. In fact there is no cake. It's just kale now. ALL FUCKING KALE, ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

You don't need to make a big gesture or production to end your international affair. Your life is not and Indie Romance being screened at Sundance. You may want to send him a book, playlist, beautiful love letter to let him know what he meant to you, but why? To assuage your guilt? Finish the fantasy so you don't look like what you are, the cliche'd my-parter-is-not-enough-I-deserve-more-so-I'll-take-what-I-want person? Welcome to Long-term Relationshipville, where mid-life crises come in all shapes and sizes and very few people consistently see eye-to-eye as the years or decades pass.

You need to remember that everyone is a mess. No one has it figured out for real. Or for long. You'll go through these phases as long as you're alive and interacting with other humans. You are going to have golden years, black holes in your life-line, times so hard you feel like you are just a place-holder until your soul returns, glorious runs of blissed-out WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS JOY??, and tedium. Everyone has a time-share in Tedium. You'll have it all. Mr. Germany will have it all. Leave him to find someone that can really love him: openly, joyfully, completely. Release him and let him get loved like only a fine-ass German deserves.

Now, look at your life. Have a good cry. You have a GOOD partner. You are a lucky mother fucker. Obviously, it's not perfect if you're out at the dog park sniffing butts, but good people are hard to find. Cry yourself to sleep. Mourn the fact that The Universe cock-blocked you, but move on because the hard truth is a person is a person is a person. A decade in Germany might look an awful lot like a decade in Buffalo but you won't know unless you do it and if you do it, who's to say Canada won't call his name or yours after a time?

Get it the fuck together, Schnuckie, and chiffonade that kale. It's easier to swallow.

In the meantime, Sadsadder, and get your shit together.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Stop It. Now Break it Down

Dear Eve,

Please settle a dispute between my husband and me. He is very protective of his phone. I don't care. When I ask for it because I can't find mine or know he has a number I don't, whatever, he does not want to hand it over.  I am honestly perplexed why it's an issue.

He says it's no different than going through someone's purse or wallet. I say, if you don't have a thing to hide, there shouldn't be an issue. I have nothing to hide, therefore, I don't care. He cares, so I can only assume he has things he doesn't want me to see, which is a big issue to me. BIG.

What do you think? Does someone have something to hide if they don't want you looking at their phone?

Ms. Confused

Dear Ms. Obtuse,

You aren't confused. You understand but are choosing a big eyed "Wha????" to further a disingenuous position that you, Miss Nothing-to-Hide, cannot even imagine how anyone might want sole providence over what, for some, is the only thing they have left that they could begin to call ALL MINE. It's okay to have something private. In fact, big boys and girls should. It is a RIGHT. You might want to dig deep and see what hothouse flower you're growing in your soul that makes you feel that someone you are supposed to love and deeply respect has no right to a little privacy.

So, if'n you're wanting me to choose sides, I'm going with the (possibly) shady character you married instead of his passive aggressive wife (That's YOU! <3)

 Let me break it down for you on the dance floor:

Step One: You don't touch the phone.
Step Two: You don't ask for the passcode.
Step Three: You wait for the beat to drop, or for the person to get the information you need, whichever comes first.
Step Four: You understand that it is reasonable for a person to want something just for themselves, especially if they are cohabiting and/or procreating. Of course, if this person has a pied-à-terre at their disposal, fuck them. We hate those people. ::spits:: (See Fig 1)
Step Five: You are not his mother. Leave his damn phone alone and then
Step Six: Danse, Danse, Danse!
We're gonna take it to the bridge now and remind you this is really about modern manners. Your husband is right (LOOK, BABE! I AM PHYSICALLY ABLE TO SAY THAT!). Today's cell phones are the equivalent to someone's purse or wallet. It's simply rude. I would rather you ask a stranger about a suspicious mole (...and you should do that if you are in any way qualified and are concerned. You could save a life!) than pick up a phone that is not yours and peruse it at your leisure. Sure, he may have something to hide, but he might also love having something that is solely his domain: a virtual place where he can be himself and have racey wallpaper, embarrassing apps he would never admit to (Hey there, Mr. Egg Baby!), or love the idea that if he wanted to be shady, he could. Let a dude have some dreams, mmkay?

I do have caveats where I approve of the cell snoop, but that is a different animal and I've never claimed consistency in anything but my fondness of the male form and love of vintage lingerie. If the real problem is that you think he has a cheatin' heart, please read this. If not, babe, you need to relax. PM me. I know a couple tumblrs that can help.


Song of the day: Motörhead Please Don't Touch
Song of the day (privately, on MY phone- I'll cut you if you touch it): I'm going to the bridge with this one, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. 

Fig. 1

Sunday, August 31, 2014

You're Gonna Wind Up Eating a Steady Diet of Gov'ment Cheese, Kid

Dear Eve,

I am worried about a friend. He is getting a little out of control with his drinking and I can see how depressed he is under his 'everything is cool' exterior. I know he is under a lot of pressure with work issues, kids still at home, money stuff, but he does have a supportive wife and they look very happy.  I don't want to cross any boundaries and assume bad stuff is happening for him depression-wise, but he has been slowly amping up his drinking (and maybe rx pills? I think so, but I don't know for sure) over the past year and I can't help but worry. We've been friends for a long time, but there is some kind of code with guys where they clam up if you get real.

IDK. I'm afraid that he is going to wreck his life and I'm going to have to witness it and I don't want to kick myself for not saying something when I should have.

When do you stick your nose in other people's business?

Thanks in advance,
A Friend

Dear Friend,

I stick my nose in other people's business all the time. It's my job!

When should you?

Online Graphing

If I think there is some underlying depression, shady shit going on or other concerning behavior, I'm going in strong at 400, possibly 300 if they are showing signs of remorse for craptacular things they did while under the influence.  But from 400 on, it gets a little shady. You're a crappy friend if you don't say something. I lost a friend once because I didn't get on him for his drinking. He took it as a sign I didn't care. I thought he was trying on a Bukowski persona and didn't think it was my place to intervene with his life/art. I was also young and stupid. As a grown-ass woman, I have lost friends because I stopped drinking and they took it as a personal judgement of their own life choices. That sucked like elephantiasis of the labia. I'm still sad about losing them. The point is, there could be consequences that aren't going to thrill you if you keep your pie-hole closed or let your feelings fly.

Graph-wise, from 400 up you're kind of a pussy if you don't say something. That shit is not good, no matter how you frame it. We laugh off the shenanigans of our friends, and a hittin' life a little hard during times of turmoil can happen with little damage done, sometimes, but when months or years start adding up, you need to push out your tits, lift up that double chin and say, "I care about you too much to not say something about this shit."

There are a lot of alternatives to not doing that. 1) Nothing could happen. Your friend slows down and things go back to normal, 2) Things get worse but he's still making it work. You watch horrified from the sidelines and slowly distance yourself for self-preservation's sake and forget you know him, or 3) The sonofabitch accidentally OD's, or murders a bunch of people with his car, or loses his family/job/home or some combination of the three. That could happen, right?

So where is your comfort level, Friend? What are you willing to risk to show you care? If you lose them for saying something, respectfully and out of genuine concern, that shit will hurt but they will know someone has noticed and you will know that you have done them a kindness, one that I believe they are secretly wanting, whether they are willing to change now or not. The alternative is not really an option, unless "A Friend" is really an alias for "Shit Stirrer" or "Asshole".

Be the one to be brave enough to say something. Who knows? You may be the catalyst for them to become an awesome motivational speaker! You could be the wind beneath their wings! You could also be despised, but I've been despised A LOT, and meh, it's not so bad. Not as bad as government cheese, and definitely better than being a coward.

Song of the Day

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

You're Disloyal...But *I* Like Your Spots

Dear Eve,

I want to take a lover but I have a long-term partner. We have a wonderful relationship and family life but do not share the same sexual interests. We've tried therapy, compromises, talking it out, and there is no way to reconcile our very different sexual appetites and desires, which have d/evolved over time, and there is no interest at all in an open relationship on my partner's end. My SO is very happy with the way things are.

In a perfect world, I would like a platonic sex partner on the side that meets my needs and still keep my family intact, happy, and in the dark.  I would be safe and discreet.  

I know this makes me sound like a terrible person but I want to experience, just once, a great, fulfilling sexual relationship before I die.  I feel partly dead inside because this very important part of my personality is not even being acknowledged.  

Just writing this makes me feel like shit.  

Is an affair ever justified?

Sexually Depressed

Dear Sexually Depressed,

Justified? No. Never.

You get out if you're not happy or you make it work and suck it up because you did some sort of better or worse promise before you had any inkling of what that entailed. Some people get a partner who develops a chronic illness who can no longer have sex. Some have to live apart for long periods of time when life gets messy with jobs and family. They are still in love but not being sexually fulfilled. Are they justified in taking a lover? I don't think so.

Usually this kind of bullshit question makes me mad. Oh, sorry about your great family, partner and life. Poor you! Go find some decent porn and get over yourself!

But you said something that made me think. 

I DO think that everyone deserves AT LEAST ONE mind-blowing sexual experience/affair/lover.  That you've not found it in your chosen partner is a sadness. It's hard to bend sexual proclivities. Just as you don't share your partner's desires and can't change that, neither can they. Some couples are able to meet in the middle (bully for them!) but it's my experience that most don't and one or more is unsatisfied in these situations. Your question has given me the mean reds! What if you're in your 50's and are looking at 30 more years of being sexually unsatisfied? It sounds cruel!

Marrying, or making a life-long dedication to someone, is a gift to yourself and the other person: it's beautiful, terrifying, satisfying, safe, awful, extremely hard, and worth every struggle because it means that you always have someone that has your back, is on your side and LOVES YOU (hopefully) UNCONDITIONALLY. You are still two separate human beings, though, and humans are so tirelessly complicated and needy that I don't think there is a definitive yes/no answer to your question.  Don't we all deserve to feel loved and accepted in ALL ways?  I know I want to, and I'm just your regular super-sexy radiator of love, wanting to bring the world to my ample bosom and make it all better for them, or kick their ass, or both. I would feel quite bereft if my partner didn't meet my needs. I imagine that it is a very lonely life, in its own way.

Is it justified? No. Is it sometimes understandable? I'd say, with reservations, yes. For some people sex is sex. For others sex is more like S E X! S E X! S E X!  If you are in the latter group, I feel for you, really I do. Just know if you are going to join the pack of low-down dirty dogs and tramp around, you are potentially ruining one or more families,  you may find the guilt afterward overwhelming as well as extremely depressing, and you could potentially pick another partner that doesn't meet your needs,  winding up sexually unfulfilled and a cheater. That would significantly suck. Then do you "try on" someone else for size? Then another if that one poops out, too?

At this point, I would just wait for a sign from the universe.  You know, if your partner dies in a fiery crash, get's pulled up in the Rapture, is Disappeared, or gets abducted by aliens you are getting a big fucking thumbs up from Life! However, if they keep coming home, respecting you, loving you the best way they can, and lift you up when you're at your worst, keep your genitals at home, safe, where they can do no harm.

Then again, you could just do it and it could be magical and fulfill all your erotic fantasies, your partner none the wiser, your itch scratched, and when you lay down at 93 to breath your last breath, you can do it with a smile on your lips, having no regrets in life. Or it could blow up in your face. There is no Immaculate Herpes. Come home with that and you just may find yourself alone, poor, and living in your sister's basement, wishing you had a little more self-control and enough cash for your Valtrex prescription. In this instance, when you die an early death, you will have regrets: weeping, oozing ones.

I do feel for you, babe. Life is hard. Be happy that not getting off is your biggest problem. Seriously! There are people out there that can't eat GLUTEN! Now that's a fucking tragedy. Besides, no one lives forever except Keith Richards.  You always have dying to look forward to and, as far as I know, S E X! is not a high priority for corpses.

Song of the Day
Just Break Out the Booze


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Are You a Vulvatarian?

Dear Eve,

There's chicken and fish stuffed with crab meat at my local big box store.  I looked at it today and all I could think of is how pornographic they looked. Truly, packaged vaginas.  What does that say about me?

Closet pervert?

Dear CP,

You have come to the right place! First of all, I am the proud founder of the Vulva Liberation Front (message me to start a local chapter!).  It is our core mission to educate the public about the difference between the vagina (the inside canal of the female reproductive system) and the vulva (the outside, squishy, traditionally hairy part).  I can only imagine that you are seeing the Mystical and Mighty Vulva in those meat products.  The vag gets the glory, but it's really the vulva that's working it, looking lovely, and attracting all our attention.  That distinction made, are you, indeed, a pervert?

You are human (assuming here, but hoping maybe you are a dolphin that has met his or her full potential?) so therefore you think about sex, probably a lot.  Some of us repress it better than others, but it eventually seeps through the cracks of our psyches outing genitalia likenesses in everyday items, food or otherwise, and wreaking havoc on our daydreams about acupuncturists, educators, nail-bangers, and so on and so on.  You, you beautiful weirdo, are seeing Lady Gardens in the meat section of a soul-stealing mega-store so I surmise that you laud the Triangle of Madness as much as R. Kelly or maybe even k.d. lang.  If you are the proud owner of a Heart-shaped Box, then perhaps you just have a little Geogia O'Keefe in you.  If you are not blessed with a Devourer of Souls and find yourself seeing the Happy Valley in burnt toast or coffee stains, then that's okay, too.  What's not to love?  It's warm, soft, and truly a pillow of delight!  If loving the Flower of Power is wrong, I don't want to be right!

My advice is to delight in the vulvish shapes you find in the wild.  Share your finds with the world because, if I know anything, the world loves a vulva!  Please, though, don't forget our friends the penis and scrotum.  Male genitalia are given a bad rap.  Find the beauty in the pillars and stones!  Next time you pass the banana section at the store, try to fondly remember that first sad handjob you participated in.  Smile at the string bean, before you snap off it's head.  Feel the heft of the orange in the palm of your hand before ripping it open and devouring it's juicy awesomeness.

Join me and my fellow Vulvatarians!  The liberation has begun!  But like any movement, we can't go all the way with out our brothers by our sides, dangling proudly, so vulnerable yet unafraid to go sticking their heads into dark corners, fighting the good fight, one solid poke at a time.

Let us love all human parts, outside and in.  When we don't, the Cosmo-nists win.

Vive vos parties et les parties de vos camarades! 

Song of the Day
Song of the Day, Deuces Wild
Can You Find Your Vulva?