Friday, March 30, 2012

Flash Friday

Do I spend enough time with my family?
Yes and no. You are doing the best you can and that's important, but never stop trying to do more.

Is it time to let go of my relationship?
Yes. You've been trying to resuscitate a dead body for too long. Walk away and leave it in peace.

Is she finally going to leave him?
No, unfortunately. It's never going to happen. She's happy being miserable.

How do I get rid of the ants that have invaded my kitchen? Gah!
Get a borax gel like Terro. It's not poisonous and will work lickety-split. Or just try cleaning up after yourself.

Does he want me like I want him?
You betcha! Probably more because he's like, you know, a dude.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Decisions and Man-Parts

Dear Eve,

My wife is lazy. I don't say this lightly and I can't believe I'm sharing my feelings about this. I feel terrible about feeling this way but I'm frustrated and getting angrier as time goes by.

We both work hard at our jobs but when she gets home and on weekends she does nothing. I ask for help cleaning, doing laundry, even just getting dinner on, but no help. She's busy with other things, but I have no idea what those things are. She does spend a lot of time in the bedroom but I've never been one to pry.

She keeps pushing me to have kids but unless this changes I don't want to. I don't even think I want to stay married. I have no idea how to help this situation. You're probably going to jump on me for being a bad husband, but I'm not. I need help. Please advise.

Dear Neglected,

I'm not going to bust your balls for being real about a heartbreaking situation. If you'd written in and whinged about her weight or held her to a higher standard than yourself that would have justified a clock-cleaning. I think we can agree, however, that you're a pretty nice, hardworking guy.

That aside, I think you know that this problem isn't really about cleaning; it's about having your spouse meet your needs and listen to you. Your wife is doing neither and that makes you feel that she doesn't love you. I would say she doesn't, at least not in any way that's meaningful to you and that's the only way that matters, right? If it's her magical, golden hoo-ha that's keeping you in this holding pattern, you're gonna have deny yourself the pleasure of making love to someone that is obviously using you. If it's not magical, I'm not sure why you've held out as long as you have.

You need to be straight-forward and a little bit of a dick if you have to. It sounds like you're afraid to get real with her. Why would you not ask what she's doing when she's hidden away in the bedroom while you're keeping the house up? She's not a boarder! She's punking you out and you're taking it. Set some boundaries and tell her exactly what you expect and that if she's not willing to share in the upkeep then you need to insist on some sort of counseling. Tell her your marriage is in jeopardy if she doesn't get it together. Don't accept any excuses. The only decent excuse she could have is that she's ill and she's not, though ruling out depression really should be considered. Pull on a pair of balls and stand up for yourself then let her know that they'll be no baby-making, either, unless she starts acting like an adult: children having children is not cool. It's going to be hard but you need to do it or nothing will change and I promise you that it will get worse because she'll eventually squeeze a baby out of you and then you're most definitely going to be mom, dad, and houseboy (and not in the fun way).

On the other hand, you could let your resentment maturate and change you into a full-grown jackhole. That would be awesome! Hone the sword of passive-aggressiveness and use it to gore your marriage. That would be easier than being honest and standing up for yourself and your marriage. What's the fun if you can't complain and feel put upon? What kind of life will you have if you're not the "good" one anymore? Decisions, decisions. They're like penises: they can be hard at first, but when you finally decide to take things in hand and pull the trigger, you'll feel relieved and satisfied that you took care of business. It can be messy, but it's worth it.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Office Snitch Gets Forks in Eyes: News at 11

Dear Eve,

I just found out that someone I thought was a good friend at work has been reporting me to Human Resources every time I break a rule even though they are the rules that everyone breaks. I can't even express how random and out of left field this is. There's an HR guy that seems to have it out for me. I'm totally hurt and blindsided. The worst part is that I found out that it was him through a conversation that has to stay private to protect the person that told me so I can't even confront him.

I feel so betrayed and don't know how I'm going to be able to work with this person without putting forks in his eyes. Any advice?

Dear Eye Poker,

Take a tip from our beloved unions and start working to the rule. No matter how tedious and unfair it may be, don't break any more rules. Yes, your co-workers will look at you and laugh and point and call you a kiss-ass, but they don't know the shit storm you're trying to hold off with a piece of cardboard. Your main goal at this time is to stay employed.

For fun, I also recommend being overly kind to your snitch. Bake him things. Confide in him with your deepest personal thoughts that you make up on the spot. Let him know that you value him as a co-worker, but it's really your special bond of friendship that makes coming to work worthwhile. Being passive-aggressive is usually an asshole move but your hands are tied; you can't confront him without hurting your informant and it just doesn't seem right that you have to sit there, hands tied and be his bitch. We all do what we have to do to get by so work him like the tool he is.

Of course, the goal is to get him to feel guilty so he'll back off. But, if we're being honest here, that won't happen. Friend and Mr. HR have got their sights set on you, my dear little poker; you are so very screwed. I've found that when it comes to office vendettas they never really die. They might hibernate but, like the frozen toad that survives the winter, eventually Spring will come and thaw that mother effer out. Not to sound alarmist, but moving to another department is something you should consider.

In the mean time, dream about being free from this cluster-cuss. Imagine in beautiful technicolor how one day you will escape from these minions of Satan. I can see you now, sprinting across a lush meadow, heading for the hills; heading for freedom. Au revoir, Eye Poker! Au revoir! And the door didn't even hit you in the ass. Perfection.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Why Does it Always Come Down to Blowjobs?

Dear Eve,

I have high anxiety in social situations. I don't go out very often but when I do it's like I have diarrhea of the mouth. I'm throwing blow jobs into polite conversation!

How do I settle my nerves so I don't say anymore things to embarrass myself? After this last incident I'm ready to stay in my cave until the next century.

Dear Anxious,

I'm not sure where the problem is. I find that a conversation lacks a certain je ne c'est quoi if something blindingly inappropriate isn't thrown in. Blow jobs are small potatoes compared to, say, stories about your big, fat pussy. But if you did go that far, dialing it back is probably a good idea. With your anxiety, I doubt you could you could drive that big, fat car with out losing control and hitting a strip club; you're not ready to join the shameless big boys and girls. So let's move forward and let go of the past and, for bob's sake, laugh a little. If you get out of your head you'll find that it's pretty hilarious, especially if the people you were talking to immediately clutched their pearls. At worst, you'll be looked at as being crass. At best, people will think you're pretty awesome for letting your freak flag fly. Either way, it's a blip on the social radar and won't compare to the overly served PTA mom that outs her boob job and wants everyone to feel how real they are. (And wouldn't I like to be her friend!)

When you have a chance to go out again, talk yourself off the edge before you go. Remind yourself that social situations are not job interviews and are meant to be fun. No one is waiting to catalog and file away any of your social gaffs. Consider having a cocktail or a small fist-full of Xanex to calm your nerves. Bring a date who will re-assure you that you are fabulous and who will be happy to take the lead in conversations when you start to mentally flail. In other words, prepare yourself before you leave your cozy little cave for the big, bad world.

Or, then again, you could treat your anxiety with the exposure technique used to cure phobias. Go out one night and literally say every inappropriate thing you can think of from ass play to sexscapades at the zoo. Roll around in a big pile of shock and awe. After that, a blowjob here or there won't matter one little bit and people might actually be thankful that the only thing you shared was the blow by blow of how fellatio saved your marriage. Which ever route you take, I know you're up for the job.

Friday, March 23, 2012

Flash Friday

Do I have enough friends?
Yes. Your current number of friends is always the right number for where you are in your life.

Butter or margarine?
Butter. Always go with the least processed choice. You're body wants food, not science.

Should I start a garden this year?
Definitely. But because you tortured last year's garden into an early death, stick with large planters.

Am I going to get better?
Of course! It doesn't matter which way the situation goes, you are going to get better at handling those challenges. You will get better at life and that is what's important.

Should I have an affair?
Yes. If you're douchey enough to ask, you're probably not very bright either, which means you'll get caught and if, bob willing, your partner is smarter than you, they'll release you back into the wild where you belong.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Kid Pizza? Sorry. I'm on a Diet

Dear Eve,

I live in a fairly quiet residential neighborhood... EXCEPT that our neighborhood is a cut through between two busy streets and folks fly down the main drag as if it's the straight-away at NASCAR! I'm not a mom (yet!), but there are children in the neighborhood. There's a family a few houses down from me. There's never a parent in sight when 3-4 children are playing in the road, paying no attention to the zooming cars. If not for fate/timing, there would have a been a tragic accident as people zoomed in and out.

I don't want to be a busybody, but I also don't want to see these children get killed on our street.


Dear Nosey Nora,

The first thing you need to do is put all of your Doubts and Afraids out the door and nicely tell them to go die in a fire. When kids and safety are involved you are morally obligated to do something. When there are no parents around, your first step is to talk directly to the children. Tell them, nicely but firmly, that they should not be playing in the road because cars are not obeying the speed limit and they can get hurt. Let them know that you can see them from your house and if it happens again, you are going to talk with their parents.

When you do talk to the parents, which you probably will have to, remember that your concern is keeping the kids from being road pizza. Tell the parents about the situation, that you already talked to the kids and that, in your estimation, the situation is a dire one. Before you leave, tell them that you are going to call the city to report the dangerous traffic for the safety of the whole neighborhood.

When you do call the city, brief them about the situation. They probably won't help because that would require them to work, but your work is done unless the kids start playing in the street again. If they do, call the police non-emergency line and tell an officer about the problem and ask that someone come and talk to the kids. This might seem like over-stepping but it's not. If an officer were to come down the road on their own, I'm sure they would talk to the kids anyway. Now your obligation is done and all you can do is hope that the kids are more scared than they are stupid. Now that you've done your due diligence, pat yourself on the back, then look in the mirror and see the neighborhood hero. You have officially earned your cape and I am so very proud of you.

Then again, this does seem like an awful lot of work. How 'bout this? Make some cookies and share them with the weakest kid in the pack. Convince the kid to put ketchup all over his face and neck and lie on the side of the road moaning. When he's in place, you quickly rush to his side, lean over him and start wailing. Beat your breast. Gnash your teeth. Ask the heavens why oh why did you have to take Johnny? Why? Make enough noise to bring out the whole neighborhood. After the mom faints and recovers, help the kid up and you both can take a big bow! You made your point and no one is mad at all! You can leave, feeling proud that you taught them all a lesson and you can believe that no is going to forget this. In fact, I bet they bring a torch and some pitchforks to your house that night to help you do a little late night gardening. Lesson learned: Neighbors are awesome.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Slap My Ass! Just Do it Quietly

Dear Eve,

How do I let my roommates know that they are not only having inappropriately loud sex all the time day and night but also that whatever they're doing stinks up the place as the odor seeps out from under their door.  My friends have even commented on it.

WTF?  It is such an uncomfortable situation.  They are very nice and we've been friends for a long time so I don't want to stop being friends with them but this has slowly become a problem over the course of the year and I'm ready to try to get off the lease.  My boyfriend is really pushing for this as an answer to the problems but moving isn't financially feasible.


Dear Silent Partner in a Threesome,

They've made you a part of their sex life without your permission.  I think you have a right to get a little pissed and slip on a cute little pair of bitch-girl panties.  I'm sure they will be uncomfortable since it sounds like you've been hiding in your sister-wife bloomers trying not to hurt anyone's feelings, but that underage bride has left the compound. 

Sit them down.   Have your boyfriend there if the reinforcement will help.  Be serious but kind.  It's not like they're just being assholes.  Perhaps insensitive, but not passive-aggressive.  Let them know that although you appreciate that making sweet love can inspire one to be vocal about it feeling so good, baby, and do it harder, it's just not acceptable when you are home.   Next bring up the smell.  Couch it with how uncomfortable you are having to bring this up, but the malodorous aroma from their room has become too much for you to handle.  Tell them point blank that it's so bad visitors have commented on it which is extremely embarrassing and that if they can't confine both the smell and noise to their room you will move out no matter the cost.  It is simply that bad.   They may honestly have no idea how loud they are or that the brown cloud created by their nether regions has seeped out into the public space.  Hopefully, they will be mortified enough to get out the Lysol and bleach tout de suite and play the let's-see-how-quiet-we-can-be game.

I know this will be extremely hard to do but this is good practice for you to start standing up for yourself.  Make yourself do it.  Decide that the life you want doesn't include noise canceling headphones or pilfered airline barf bags.  You are worth more than then their feelings.

Then again, you could just wait until you go off the deep end, have a few bottles of scotch and wait for the games to begin.  Just when the noise hits it's peak, throw open the door.  Let out a barbaric yawp of freedom as you cast off your proverbial shackles and yell "Get out you loud smelly bastards or I WILL CUT YOU!  I DON'T CARE THAT YOU NEED IT NOW OR THAT YOU'RE A DIRTY GIRL!  Brandish the shiv you've been working on all night to show them you mean business.  Look like a crazy woman.  Maybe light you're hair on fire to prove that you are seriously willing to do anything to get a little non-smelly peace.

And if you're lucky, the next day they will sit you down and tell you how much you've offended them and that they can't live with someone who has so little respect for their privacy so they are moving out.  As I think about it, this is definitely the best way to go.  Sometimes going a little psycho goes a long way.

p.s. Don't really light your hair on fire.  I was being hyperbolic.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Flash Friday

Am I ready to settle down?
Yes.  You've really grown up in the past few months.

It is acceptable for ladies to wear shorts?
NO! Exceptions made for exercise or gardening.

What's a good rice pudding recipe?
Take milk and cooked rice combined in a  2:1 ratio. Cook on low until the milk reduces to a creamy consistency.  Add a pinch of salt, sugar to taste and vanilla or cardamom to your liking.

Am I a good person?
It makes me sad you have to ask this.  Of course you are and we are all proud of the way you always put yourself before others.  Thank you!

Will things get better?
 No!  They will be great!  Dues paid?  Check.  Sacrifices made?  Check!  Ready for some really good things to happen?  You betcha!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

You're Momma's So Poor...

Dear Eve,

I'm going to have a baby!  Everyone keeps telling me I need a lot of stuff like a changing table, swing, bouncy seat and something called a baby gym?  But we have no money to spare and it seems to me that my mom didn't use this stuff so why should I.

Does a baby need all this crap?

Dear Little Momma,

Babies don't need much: clothes, diapers, a boob or a bottle, but some parents find that having certain items can make their lives easier.  I encourage new parents to buy the bare minimum accoutrements then, as you and the baby get used to each other,  acquire things as you find you need them.   For instance, some moms don't mind changing a baby while they're in their crib, on a couch, or on a bed, but some moms soon find that they're totally squicked out by it and need to invest in a changing table. Some moms don't care if their garbage can smells like a toxic waste dump, other moms realize they need a completely poop-smell free home so they get one of those diaper disposal systems.  Some moms want to hold their baby all day and never put them down, while some discover that they never really wanted to be a mom in the first place so they invest in a bouncy seat, duct tape and a foam wedge.  Then they can tape the baby into the seat then use the wedge to prop up bottle!  They never have to hold the baby again!   You just trust your instincts.  Mommas know what's best for their babies and themselves.  When a mom gets what she needs as she needs it there is no unnecessary spending.

However, if people are going to buy or give you stuff, have at it!  You could take advantage of people, not that I'd encourage it mind you,  and go online and find something like Cookie magazine for ideas or get the get the Royal Family's Gold Plated Baby Stuff catalog and ask for all the things!  You will be happier!  You're baby will be smarter!  You will be looked up to for being such a loving mother because you have THINGS!  EXPENSIVE THINGS!  and you will give your admirers a knowing nod and shy smile because you know that your baby is guaranteed to be Pope, president, and run the PTA all at the same time.  Future Mother of the Year, I can't wait to learn all your secrets.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Snoring Husband? Burn the Bed

Dear Eve,

My husband snores enough to wake the dead.  I don't know what to do.  I get him to roll over on his side, kick him, yell at him, but nothing.

I have to get some sleep or I'm gonna hurt him.  What can I do to help him stop?

Dear Sleepy,

Women across the world feel your pain.  Conventional wisdom points to getting him to go to a doctor and have him checked to see if anything can be done to help.  It could be caused by sleep apnea, which really is a big deal, or something as simple as alcohol consumption, allergies or even having a "weak" chin!

But the reality is that no matter how many logical arguments you make for him to get the problem checked out, there's little chance he'll do it.  Men are predictable creatures.  Ladies, you'll have to get a little creative if you want him to take care of his health so you can get some sleep.

Here are some ideas:  1) Go old school and direct him to the couch.  Prepare it, however, with a few tennis balls under the cushions and then ensure that, mysteriously, the only blanket available is a 3x4 throw.  If the dog likes to sleep on it, even better.  2) Be kind and let him stay in bed.  However, every time he snores shake him awake.  "Baby!  Wake up!  This snoring is scaring me.  You need to go to the hospital!"  Do that every time he snores.  Every time with the same urgency.  You wake up, you wake him up and scare the shit out of him.  And 3) Stop the sexy times.  I know that's a terrible sacrifice for ladies of our ilk, but you need sleep more than eye-fluttering orgasms.  Explain, and be as whiney as you can stomach, that you're just too tired.  Say something like, "I'm way too tired to..." and get explicit.  Hearing exactly what he's missing should be a big motivator.

And if he still doesn't get help, and face it, he probably won't, get ugly.  Lay there and let your frustration fester and, over time, sleep deprived and off your rocker,  your frustration will turn into extreme hostility .  Rail at him, throw plates, burn the bed.  Let your cray-cray flag fly.  Escalate!  Escalate! Escalate! Finally, before your stress-induced high blood pressure takes you to your great reward, get down on your knees, look up at him and say, with tears in your eyes, "This is all your fault, you rat bastard.  All you had to do was go to the doc---" then keel over.  Problem solved.  You finally get the sleep you need.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Facebook Never Lies

Dear Eve,

My wife and I are separated but I really want to work things out.  We've been together a long time, have a child together, and got married young.  We both made some really bad mistakes, but my faith won't let me walk away without giving it my all.

The problem is that she says we can work on it, goes on a date with me every so often, takes money that I offer, but on Facebook she is still listed in a relationship with the guy she left me for.  They post on each other's page, but she tells me  it's just a complicated situation.

No one understands why I'm fighting for my family.  Even though it's complicated, how can I convince everyone that I know what's best for my wife, me and our baby?

Dear Poor Bastard,

That really says it all.  Your situation is a tangled ball of WTF? and you're going to have to have a serious Come to Bob moment if you want to get you and the little one in a healthy and happy place.  And I gotta say it:  you are not in a healthy, happy place.  This is absolutely not going to work out.  She does not love you the way you need to be loved, evidenced by the other penis that currently rents out space in her vagina when yours isn't there.  SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND  If she was working on things with you there would be no place for this other guy, I don't care how "complicated" it is.

As far as convincing anyone of anything, you've got a full-time job convincing yourself that she's worth your time.  The truth is, you are your wife's personal ATM and an object of her derision.  Trust me.  She's deriding the shit out of you all over town and every chance she gets.  She's made you a punk and I bet she thinks it's a real hoot.

Do your kid a favor and let it all go.  Start rebuilding yourself into the strong, self-protective role model the child needs you to be.  Being a good parent means making yourself do things because they're right and true, not because you want things to look good no matter what kind of fool you have to make of yourself.  Get serious counseling, be brutally honest with yourself about why you can let someone treat you in such a despicable way and then still come back begging for more. 

You can do it.  I know you can. Recognizing that she's made you her bitch should be impetus enough.  If it's not, you may as well get the ball gag and handcuffs.  You've chosen your place and it's not on top.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Oh Wifey!

Dear Eve,

I'm feeling a little frisky but my husband's giving me the cold shoulder.  It is the middle of the day and we have stuff to do... but he's just so damn hot!

How can I convince him to be irresponsible with me and make a little love?

Dear Love Slave,

I don't know who you're making love to, but I'm pretty sure you can get in and out fairly quickly and feel accomplished.  Set your sights to a responsible 10 minutes, present your case to you hottie husband, preferable nekkid, or at least with your boobs pushed up somewhere under your chin, and make him an offer he can't refuse.  That offer will have to include you doing a lot of the heavy lifting, but what are you going to do?  Some things worth doing take a little elbow grease.

Now, if your irresistible man still turns you down, get over it, take a few minutes of alone time and you'll be a better woman for it.  Even men need a little down-time so don't take it personally.  Go be a grown-up with your own grown up toys and let him know where you're going, too.  Men can become quite inspired when a lady takes matters into her own hands.  But either way, you win.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Tales of a Message Board Loser

Dear Eve,

I belong to a message board and it stresses me out!  I really love the group of people and the subject but there is like a popular group with a few mean girls that seem to dominate the discussions.  I try to throw my hat in the ring but get very little feedback.  I feel like I'm back in school trying to fit in, trying too hard and failing.

Should I stop posting because it's stressing me out?

Dear Wannabee,

Yes.  Stop posting but not because it's stressing you out.  Stop out of solidarity with all the other geeks, nerds, misfits, burnouts, and trailer trash that are shut out of popular discourse everyday because a few self-entitled bullies dominate the conversation.  Show the mean girls that you will not play their reindeer games and you, by bob, will be heard or you will leave the conversation, thank-you-very-much and Good Day, Sir!  I said Good Day!

Or keep posting and don't give a single shit what anyone thinks. They're chicks on the internet.  You're over-thinking what could be an awesome way to be yourself, unfiltered.  Online you can reinvent yourself with no repercussion.  Timid in real life but don't want to be?  Be unapologetic about your opinions in your on-line life.  No one can pigeon-hole you, judge you by your looks, socioeconomic status, or  by your choice of career.  What an incredible opportunity to share who you are with other people.  And, like in real life, when you are true to who you are and don't care what other people think, you will organically become part of the conversation.  It's easy to sniff out someone that's trying too hard and, honestly, it makes you look dishonest and no one wants to waste their time with a fake. 

Don't be that girl anymore: taking her metaphorical lunch tray from metaphorical lunch table to metaphorical lunch table, metaphorically asking each metaphorical person if she can sit at their table only to,  metaphorically, 1) be reminded that you have a fat-ass, 2) be told to sit with the other losers from the wrong side of the tracks, or 3) get a resounding no, then later, get a love note from a gorgeous jock asking you to the prom and when you go and tell him yes he laughs in your face and HAHAHA I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU THOUGHT I COULD EVER HAHAHAHA.

Your life is not a John Hughs movie.  Get out of your head and if you can't, bow out.

I'm cranky. :(

Friday, March 9, 2012

Flash Friday

Am I ready to move out of the house on my own?
Yes.  You should've already and I'm a little ashamed you've not done it by now.

Which is more important in a relationship:  good sex or love and understanding?
If someone loves and understands you, they'll give you the toe curling sex you need.

Should I read "Fifty Shades of Grey?"  I don't want to look like a slut but I'm really curious.
Yes.  Some of my best friends are sluts and none earned that title by reading a book.

Should I drop out of college?
No, unless you're getting a degree in English. 

Do Russians really do it better?
Can blini with a little butter make the world a better place?  Hell yeah.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Trashy Moms and Their Stripper Babies

Dear Eve,

I just got engaged!  I'm very excited and love my fiance with all my heart but his family is not thrilled.  They're saying congratulations with their lips but "oh shit she's trashy" with their eyes.  And some are just saying the "oh shit" part.  And it's an extra special time because we're going to have a baby!  The family is really not happy about that except his mom which I'm thankful for.

I want a good start to my relationship with his family but how can I if they've already decided that I'm a bad decision?

Dear Baby Mama,

Congratulations on your pending nuptials and even more so on your baby-making skillz.  It stinks that his family is not excited for their son but, it's just mean that they're not accepting you and the baby with some kindness.  The good news is that you've got mom on your side. I'm assuming you've got your own family, too,  since you didn't mention them as part of this shit storm, so let's capitalize on what you've got instead of what's missing.

Stay in touch with mom, show her what a catch you are and what a great mom you'll be by being the lovely, responsible and sane girl that you are.  When mama is on your side, you're golden.  Her disapproval, alone, has more weight than the disapproval of dad and the rest of his family, combined.   But because you want as little stress as possible (babies don't like it), lets kill the dad and his minions...with kindness.  Somebody I know had to learn  to keep her mouth shut and her smile on to keep the peace; you should consider taking that course of action, too.  Basically, channel your inner, most vapid, cheerleader, say, for 10 or 15 years and they might--might-- start to accept you.  In the interim decade, lean on your baby daddy.  You two are going to have many storms to weather together for at least 18 years so this is really good practice for that.  You're also going to find out if your guy can stand up to his old family for you and the nugget, his new family.  If he's having trouble with that, up his Xanax, cut him off ::insert eyebrow waggle::, and tell him to get his shit together.  Throw in a "Man-up" for a little cowboy flavor if you think that will help.  If he doesn't step up, you're kinda screwed.  If that's the case, circle your wagons and start thinking seriously about your options.  I know too many women that have squandered their lives on a boy that has no interest in being a man.  You're not married yet, for Bob's sake.

That said, you could go the other, more sensational and less boring way to win them over and be a total douchebag: give 'em back what they're giving you. You know, be snarky, rude, and selfish.  Sometimes actions like that can endear people to you because, in a fucked up way, it makes them respect you.  Pushovers aren't much fun to have around. And if the experiment is a train wreck?  You can chalk it up to pregnancy hormones because everyone knows bitches is crazy when they pregnant.

Final thought:  Get your day care together NOW.  Finding an infant placement is really hard and hiding a bebe under your desk is usually frowned upon.  So is stuffing the baby in a microwave just to see if it'll fit, dressing your little one like a tiny stripper, taking pictures, then posting them to Facebook, and putting your cutie in yoga pants with "Hot Tot" printed on the ass.  Ask me how I know.  Turrible, just turrible.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Risky Business at the Office

Dear Eve,

I had sexy times with a guy I work with.  Once and at the office.  Now he is being weird and avoiding me. I've not done anything weird.  Just acted like I normally do.  What do you think his problem is?  Oh I do want to do dirty things with him again, but I'm not gonna throw that out there until he starts acting normal.  And I want to thank him too.  I hate my job and now I have one great memory from there and that means a lot.  What do you think?

Dear Dirty,

Congratulations and more power to you.  As long as you're both consenting adults and not in monogamous relationships I'm happy for you.  You've gotten yourself in a pickle, though, and your buddy is having a typical reaction to the situation.  When you mix up sexual/romantic relationships and work it can be a huge risk to take, especially if you like or need your job.  Perhaps he's most worried about job security and trying to avoid engaging with you if underneath your lovely exterior you're crazier than my mom off her meds.  He's not sure that you won't make his life hell, cause a scene, or run your mouth about your tryst.

I hate to say this, but a private e-mail, and by private I mean not on the office network or time, might be the way to go.  Be very forthright about your feelings and assure him that you are not going to kirk out at work, or any other time.  Make sure he knows that you are not expecting for this to happen again, but you wouldn't mind if it did.  After you choose your words carefully and know that you are writing exactly how you feel, you can tack on the end of it that you just might want to do things to him that will make him praise bob for the day he was born.  Make it light-hearted.  Thank him for a great night and for helping you have at least one great memory of the hell-hole you work in. If you can work in that you think he has a big penis that might seal the deal.

Then again, maybe he's crazier than a hot-footed rooster and he's avoiding you because he has no idea idea what to do with you now.  Should he start at the beginning, collecting your stray hairs and toenails, then slowly ramp it up until the kidnapping phase, or does this sex glitch erase the normal process and can he abduct you right away?  When will he send you creepy cut out letter notes now?  Can he really let go and not steal your underwear?  He's so confused I feel sorry for him!

Good luck and here's to hoping you don't wind up in the trunk of his car.  ::gives you the thumbs up::

Monday, March 5, 2012

Hey! I'm Stalking Here! Or Not?

Dear Eve,

A couple months ago I broke up with my then BF.  The reasons were lack of communication and his fear of commitment. He wanted to slow waaaaay down.  I was already going as slow as I know how. Anyway, I haven’t heard from him since but I still miss him from time to time. I really thought we had the potential to be really good together.  Tonight I was missing him more than usual so I was dumb and looked up his profile on the website we met on. His latest status update (2 days ago) says “kinda missing having a smitten kitten around……” Now, I used to say that I was a smitten kitten when I was with him. So, I’m confused and thought I could turn to you for advice.  Should I 1) contact him under the pretense that I have some of his stuff, 2) assume that there is a new smitten kitten, or 3) ignore him or block him so I can't stalk him anymore?

Dear Smitten Kitten,

There's no reason why two people that shared a lot of time and memories together can't catch up now and again.  If he is a decent sort of fellow, he won't read into it.  If he's not, who really cares what he thinks.  This is about what you want, not about what he wants.  Additionally, you (semi) recently broke up, he was an okay guy, and he didn't do anything illegal to break up with you.  Looking at his profile every once in a while does not make you a stalker.  Hell, looking at it every day for a short period of time is okay, too.  It's pure human curiosity.  However, if you make his profile your home page, start going through his garbage, or roll around naked on any effects he left behind, I'll be happy to confirm your stalker status and call you out on it.

I do think there's a pretty good chance that you're the "smitten kitten" he was referring to, unless he's a ladies man, then please assume he's co-opted your cool little nickname to help him get laid.  But, say it is you he's missing, to what end?  He ended it because he couldn't commit, which is code for being afraid that he'd be settling if he stayed with you and in the recesses of his cold, black heart he thinks he can do better.  That's so shitty.

Contact him and see how he's doing with no pretense.  You don't need it.  I wouldn't block him, either, because once you talk to him you're going to keep in the forefront of your mind that he left you and hurt you. That should take some of the shine off his penny.  There is something so unattractive about a man who doesn't adore his lady.  And everyone deserves to be adored, to be needed like a tweaker needs meth; like my broke-ass granny needs her cigarettes and valium; like my son needs the Redskins cheerleader calendar.  HE NEEDS IT OR HE WILL DIE.  So like that.  Save the cares you have left for the guy that won't settle for anyone less than you.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Bedroom Wars: Freaky Edition

Dear Eve,

I'd like to get a little freaky in the bedroom but my girl is a little uptight.  What can I do to get her to loosen up and try something new?

Dear Mr. Romance,

When a woman is "uptight," "repressed," or shy in the bedroom, it can almost always be cured by a partner that is responsive to her needs.   If you're humping under the assumption that if you get off, she does by proxy, there's no way you're in a position to ask for more. Understand that she is not the problem and doesn't need to "loosen up."  She's a woman, not a rusty screw.

If you want to have a real conversation about exploring new adventures in the bedroom, I would start by having sex with her exactly the way she wants to, especially if you're usually the captain of your love-making ship.  If she wants four hours of foreplay, followed by marathon cunnilingus, and ending in lovemaking to Sade, then do it.  Over and over again if necessary.  She needs to know that you want her to enjoy herself; that it's important to you that she gets off.  Don't open up the conversation again until she's getting what she wants and knows you are happy to give it to her.

If you're already the most responsive, intuitive, orgasm giver on the planet and you're sure your woman is completely satisfied, yet she still won't consider trying out your new ideas, you may be asking her to take too big a first step.  Perhaps dressing up in a bunny suit and giving you a hand job in front a police station is too much to ask for a first-timer.  Ditto for tying you up and violating you with headless barbies.  Baby steps, ya know?  Why don't you start with just a little "freaky" and see how it works out.  For now, leave the rubber suit and eggplants in the closet.  Bring out the paddles and nipple clamps instead.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Revenge: Office Edition

Dear Eve,

My boss is out to get me.  That sounds paranoid but now I have proof because he told a friend of mine that is he furious I'm not fired yet.  He didn't know that I was friends with the guy.  He's always held me to a higher standard than my co-workers and I get in trouble for things that everyone else does but he only reprimands me.  He's now piling on a massive amount of work, that no one could get done, on top of my regular responsibilities.  This is all part of the plan he laid out.

I don't know what to do now.  I can't confront him because I'll out my friend, but I'm pretty sure making a concerted effort to sabotage an employee to get them fired would be against corporate policy.

The fucked up thing is that I love my job and I'm great at it!  Now I am super screwed and don't know what to do.

Dear Screwed,

Holy shit.  This is an awful predicament but not one that can't be helped. We're going to get you back on top and hopefully put him in his place at the same time.

Documentation is going to be the key in getting you out of this cluster cuss.  Starting today, I want you to document what you are doing while at work.  Use two hour time blocks:  two in the morning and two in the afternoon.  Especially document any time you spend staying late, etc.  You're going to keep track of what project you're doing, what projects you delegate and what projects you've finished.  You are going to keep a checklist of everything you do: daily responsibilities, ongoing projects, special projects.  Any new projects thrown on your desk, from now on, must have a beginning and end date.  You're also going to have to document your hours to the minute for when you come and go, including lunch breaks.  You don't have to include the evacuation of last night's Thai take-out, but you get what I mean.  Document times you spend in meetings, and times you speak formally to your employees, if you have them.

Now lets get to your boss.  I want you to save all of your correspondence, written or verbal, with as many specifics as you can.  Also, if he talks about you to anyone else and you find out, document that also even though it's gossip.  You can't be picky about where you get your information.  Most importantly, no matter what time it takes, get on top of anything you're behind on.  Now.

If this rube is clueless enough to speak of his dastardly plan to a co-worker, then you will foil him eventually and will have done it in the most professional way possible: by letting him hang himself.  I have every confidence that you will be able to keep your job and he will give up after he's outed himself.

That said, embrace, for the time being, that you are now a corporate automaton; a documenting machine.  Let that knowledge flow over you like oil spill on an otter and be okay with it. Don't wipe the bloody tears that are left as your soul escapes from the empty shell you'll become.  Wear them as a badge of honor.  Losing your soul is a small price to pay for what will be a brilliant collated revenge and, of course, keeping a job you've worked hard for and love is a nice bonus.

Then again, you can simply grab him by the balls, and squeeze out the confession you need.  In fact, just go for the balls.  That'll save a lot of time.

Flash Friday

Am I fat?
If you really mean "Am I good enough?" then the answer is yes. Yes you are.

Will I ever get out of this dead-end job?
Probably not, unless you start saying "I'm going to get out of this dead-end job."

Should I date my best friend?
No. Unless you want to get a new best friend. Or yes if you've already touched genitals.

Does my mama love me?
In her own way, but she has Borderline Personality Disorder so it doesn't really count.

Who's prettier, me or my sister?
Your sister, of course!  You should want that for her.

What's the best cheese to buy to impress a girl?
Go with local artisanal varieties from your farmers' market and pair them with a decent wine.

Are vibrators passé?
Not if you're rockin' an '80's porn 'stache.

What should I eat for dinner?
Hot dogs and a beer float, obvi.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Parry...with No Thrust?

Dear Eve,

I want a girl that I've hooked up with a couple of times to be more than just sex.  I'm calling more regularly and trying to set up dates but she's not taking the bait.  Since I've been pursuing her more she's practically shut down on me, not returning calls and not keeping any dates.

What did I do wrong?

Dear Chasing the Dream,

If you switch places with this gal, how would you feel?  Say there's a girl you've hooked up with and suddenly she's calling regularly, trying to go on dates with you and you really don't want to take it to the next level.  You don't want to hurt her feelings because she's a nice girl but you don't want to date her either.  So you just stop taking her calls and texts like a coward.  If you change your mind (how likely will that be?) you can contact her, but you know it's over because she ruined the casual sex with her pesky feelings.

I think that's how it went down.  So maybe you're the kind of guy that's not used to being rejected so you have a need to know where you went wrong.  I don't think you made any critical errors.  You took a risk and it didn't pay off;  she was just never gonna jump on your train.  Or, perhaps, for you, this is the same caca, different day: you're a serial girl chaser and not a successful one.  Unless you're ready to change, you're screwed.  You, my friend, need to slow your roll and let the girl take the lead from now on.  Put yourself out there as being available, then let the girl pursue you.  Nobody wants to date a half-assed stalker.  Full-on stalker, maybe, if she's bat-shit crazy.

Then again, maybe she's her own romantic comedy and is playing coy and failing, or sabotages all relationships with good guys, or maybe she's a commitment-phobe.  You're a lucky guy if it's true.  All you have to do is wait for it to rain, go to the airport, then have a glitch in your ticket, giving her just enough time to show up and say "I'm stupid, aren't I?"  and then the Muzak swells and you kiss like 2 middle school kids gnawing on a chicken bone.  How romantic. I would've thrown up in my mouth a little if I didn't already know that the truth is you've scared her off and you were only a nameless, faceless piece of ass in the first place.  Truth hurts, bro.