Saturday, March 3, 2012

Revenge: Office Edition

Dear Eve,

My boss is out to get me.  That sounds paranoid but now I have proof because he told a friend of mine that is he furious I'm not fired yet.  He didn't know that I was friends with the guy.  He's always held me to a higher standard than my co-workers and I get in trouble for things that everyone else does but he only reprimands me.  He's now piling on a massive amount of work, that no one could get done, on top of my regular responsibilities.  This is all part of the plan he laid out.

I don't know what to do now.  I can't confront him because I'll out my friend, but I'm pretty sure making a concerted effort to sabotage an employee to get them fired would be against corporate policy.

The fucked up thing is that I love my job and I'm great at it!  Now I am super screwed and don't know what to do.

Dear Screwed,

Holy shit.  This is an awful predicament but not one that can't be helped. We're going to get you back on top and hopefully put him in his place at the same time.

Documentation is going to be the key in getting you out of this cluster cuss.  Starting today, I want you to document what you are doing while at work.  Use two hour time blocks:  two in the morning and two in the afternoon.  Especially document any time you spend staying late, etc.  You're going to keep track of what project you're doing, what projects you delegate and what projects you've finished.  You are going to keep a checklist of everything you do: daily responsibilities, ongoing projects, special projects.  Any new projects thrown on your desk, from now on, must have a beginning and end date.  You're also going to have to document your hours to the minute for when you come and go, including lunch breaks.  You don't have to include the evacuation of last night's Thai take-out, but you get what I mean.  Document times you spend in meetings, and times you speak formally to your employees, if you have them.

Now lets get to your boss.  I want you to save all of your correspondence, written or verbal, with as many specifics as you can.  Also, if he talks about you to anyone else and you find out, document that also even though it's gossip.  You can't be picky about where you get your information.  Most importantly, no matter what time it takes, get on top of anything you're behind on.  Now.

If this rube is clueless enough to speak of his dastardly plan to a co-worker, then you will foil him eventually and will have done it in the most professional way possible: by letting him hang himself.  I have every confidence that you will be able to keep your job and he will give up after he's outed himself.

That said, embrace, for the time being, that you are now a corporate automaton; a documenting machine.  Let that knowledge flow over you like oil spill on an otter and be okay with it. Don't wipe the bloody tears that are left as your soul escapes from the empty shell you'll become.  Wear them as a badge of honor.  Losing your soul is a small price to pay for what will be a brilliant collated revenge and, of course, keeping a job you've worked hard for and love is a nice bonus.

Then again, you can simply grab him by the balls, and squeeze out the confession you need.  In fact, just go for the balls.  That'll save a lot of time.

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