Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Trashy Moms and Their Stripper Babies

Dear Eve,

I just got engaged!  I'm very excited and love my fiance with all my heart but his family is not thrilled.  They're saying congratulations with their lips but "oh shit she's trashy" with their eyes.  And some are just saying the "oh shit" part.  And it's an extra special time because we're going to have a baby!  The family is really not happy about that except his mom which I'm thankful for.

I want a good start to my relationship with his family but how can I if they've already decided that I'm a bad decision?

Dear Baby Mama,

Congratulations on your pending nuptials and even more so on your baby-making skillz.  It stinks that his family is not excited for their son but, it's just mean that they're not accepting you and the baby with some kindness.  The good news is that you've got mom on your side. I'm assuming you've got your own family, too,  since you didn't mention them as part of this shit storm, so let's capitalize on what you've got instead of what's missing.

Stay in touch with mom, show her what a catch you are and what a great mom you'll be by being the lovely, responsible and sane girl that you are.  When mama is on your side, you're golden.  Her disapproval, alone, has more weight than the disapproval of dad and the rest of his family, combined.   But because you want as little stress as possible (babies don't like it), lets kill the dad and his minions...with kindness.  Somebody I know had to learn  to keep her mouth shut and her smile on to keep the peace; you should consider taking that course of action, too.  Basically, channel your inner, most vapid, cheerleader, say, for 10 or 15 years and they might--might-- start to accept you.  In the interim decade, lean on your baby daddy.  You two are going to have many storms to weather together for at least 18 years so this is really good practice for that.  You're also going to find out if your guy can stand up to his old family for you and the nugget, his new family.  If he's having trouble with that, up his Xanax, cut him off ::insert eyebrow waggle::, and tell him to get his shit together.  Throw in a "Man-up" for a little cowboy flavor if you think that will help.  If he doesn't step up, you're kinda screwed.  If that's the case, circle your wagons and start thinking seriously about your options.  I know too many women that have squandered their lives on a boy that has no interest in being a man.  You're not married yet, for Bob's sake.

That said, you could go the other, more sensational and less boring way to win them over and be a total douchebag: give 'em back what they're giving you. You know, be snarky, rude, and selfish.  Sometimes actions like that can endear people to you because, in a fucked up way, it makes them respect you.  Pushovers aren't much fun to have around. And if the experiment is a train wreck?  You can chalk it up to pregnancy hormones because everyone knows bitches is crazy when they pregnant.

Final thought:  Get your day care together NOW.  Finding an infant placement is really hard and hiding a bebe under your desk is usually frowned upon.  So is stuffing the baby in a microwave just to see if it'll fit, dressing your little one like a tiny stripper, taking pictures, then posting them to Facebook, and putting your cutie in yoga pants with "Hot Tot" printed on the ass.  Ask me how I know.  Turrible, just turrible.