Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Office Snitch Gets Forks in Eyes: News at 11

Dear Eve,

I just found out that someone I thought was a good friend at work has been reporting me to Human Resources every time I break a rule even though they are the rules that everyone breaks. I can't even express how random and out of left field this is. There's an HR guy that seems to have it out for me. I'm totally hurt and blindsided. The worst part is that I found out that it was him through a conversation that has to stay private to protect the person that told me so I can't even confront him.

I feel so betrayed and don't know how I'm going to be able to work with this person without putting forks in his eyes. Any advice?

Dear Eye Poker,

Take a tip from our beloved unions and start working to the rule. No matter how tedious and unfair it may be, don't break any more rules. Yes, your co-workers will look at you and laugh and point and call you a kiss-ass, but they don't know the shit storm you're trying to hold off with a piece of cardboard. Your main goal at this time is to stay employed.

For fun, I also recommend being overly kind to your snitch. Bake him things. Confide in him with your deepest personal thoughts that you make up on the spot. Let him know that you value him as a co-worker, but it's really your special bond of friendship that makes coming to work worthwhile. Being passive-aggressive is usually an asshole move but your hands are tied; you can't confront him without hurting your informant and it just doesn't seem right that you have to sit there, hands tied and be his bitch. We all do what we have to do to get by so work him like the tool he is.

Of course, the goal is to get him to feel guilty so he'll back off. But, if we're being honest here, that won't happen. Friend and Mr. HR have got their sights set on you, my dear little poker; you are so very screwed. I've found that when it comes to office vendettas they never really die. They might hibernate but, like the frozen toad that survives the winter, eventually Spring will come and thaw that mother effer out. Not to sound alarmist, but moving to another department is something you should consider.

In the mean time, dream about being free from this cluster-cuss. Imagine in beautiful technicolor how one day you will escape from these minions of Satan. I can see you now, sprinting across a lush meadow, heading for the hills; heading for freedom. Au revoir, Eye Poker! Au revoir! And the door didn't even hit you in the ass. Perfection.

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