Monday, March 19, 2012

Slap My Ass! Just Do it Quietly

Dear Eve,

How do I let my roommates know that they are not only having inappropriately loud sex all the time day and night but also that whatever they're doing stinks up the place as the odor seeps out from under their door.  My friends have even commented on it.

WTF?  It is such an uncomfortable situation.  They are very nice and we've been friends for a long time so I don't want to stop being friends with them but this has slowly become a problem over the course of the year and I'm ready to try to get off the lease.  My boyfriend is really pushing for this as an answer to the problems but moving isn't financially feasible.


Dear Silent Partner in a Threesome,

They've made you a part of their sex life without your permission.  I think you have a right to get a little pissed and slip on a cute little pair of bitch-girl panties.  I'm sure they will be uncomfortable since it sounds like you've been hiding in your sister-wife bloomers trying not to hurt anyone's feelings, but that underage bride has left the compound. 

Sit them down.   Have your boyfriend there if the reinforcement will help.  Be serious but kind.  It's not like they're just being assholes.  Perhaps insensitive, but not passive-aggressive.  Let them know that although you appreciate that making sweet love can inspire one to be vocal about it feeling so good, baby, and do it harder, it's just not acceptable when you are home.   Next bring up the smell.  Couch it with how uncomfortable you are having to bring this up, but the malodorous aroma from their room has become too much for you to handle.  Tell them point blank that it's so bad visitors have commented on it which is extremely embarrassing and that if they can't confine both the smell and noise to their room you will move out no matter the cost.  It is simply that bad.   They may honestly have no idea how loud they are or that the brown cloud created by their nether regions has seeped out into the public space.  Hopefully, they will be mortified enough to get out the Lysol and bleach tout de suite and play the let's-see-how-quiet-we-can-be game.

I know this will be extremely hard to do but this is good practice for you to start standing up for yourself.  Make yourself do it.  Decide that the life you want doesn't include noise canceling headphones or pilfered airline barf bags.  You are worth more than then their feelings.

Then again, you could just wait until you go off the deep end, have a few bottles of scotch and wait for the games to begin.  Just when the noise hits it's peak, throw open the door.  Let out a barbaric yawp of freedom as you cast off your proverbial shackles and yell "Get out you loud smelly bastards or I WILL CUT YOU!  I DON'T CARE THAT YOU NEED IT NOW OR THAT YOU'RE A DIRTY GIRL!  Brandish the shiv you've been working on all night to show them you mean business.  Look like a crazy woman.  Maybe light you're hair on fire to prove that you are seriously willing to do anything to get a little non-smelly peace.

And if you're lucky, the next day they will sit you down and tell you how much you've offended them and that they can't live with someone who has so little respect for their privacy so they are moving out.  As I think about it, this is definitely the best way to go.  Sometimes going a little psycho goes a long way.

p.s. Don't really light your hair on fire.  I was being hyperbolic.

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