Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Snoring Husband? Burn the Bed

Dear Eve,

My husband snores enough to wake the dead.  I don't know what to do.  I get him to roll over on his side, kick him, yell at him, but nothing.

I have to get some sleep or I'm gonna hurt him.  What can I do to help him stop?

Dear Sleepy,

Women across the world feel your pain.  Conventional wisdom points to getting him to go to a doctor and have him checked to see if anything can be done to help.  It could be caused by sleep apnea, which really is a big deal, or something as simple as alcohol consumption, allergies or even having a "weak" chin!

But the reality is that no matter how many logical arguments you make for him to get the problem checked out, there's little chance he'll do it.  Men are predictable creatures.  Ladies, you'll have to get a little creative if you want him to take care of his health so you can get some sleep.

Here are some ideas:  1) Go old school and direct him to the couch.  Prepare it, however, with a few tennis balls under the cushions and then ensure that, mysteriously, the only blanket available is a 3x4 throw.  If the dog likes to sleep on it, even better.  2) Be kind and let him stay in bed.  However, every time he snores shake him awake.  "Baby!  Wake up!  This snoring is scaring me.  You need to go to the hospital!"  Do that every time he snores.  Every time with the same urgency.  You wake up, you wake him up and scare the shit out of him.  And 3) Stop the sexy times.  I know that's a terrible sacrifice for ladies of our ilk, but you need sleep more than eye-fluttering orgasms.  Explain, and be as whiney as you can stomach, that you're just too tired.  Say something like, "I'm way too tired to..." and get explicit.  Hearing exactly what he's missing should be a big motivator.

And if he still doesn't get help, and face it, he probably won't, get ugly.  Lay there and let your frustration fester and, over time, sleep deprived and off your rocker,  your frustration will turn into extreme hostility .  Rail at him, throw plates, burn the bed.  Let your cray-cray flag fly.  Escalate!  Escalate! Escalate! Finally, before your stress-induced high blood pressure takes you to your great reward, get down on your knees, look up at him and say, with tears in your eyes, "This is all your fault, you rat bastard.  All you had to do was go to the doc---" then keel over.  Problem solved.  You finally get the sleep you need.

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