Monday, March 26, 2012

Why Does it Always Come Down to Blowjobs?

Dear Eve,

I have high anxiety in social situations. I don't go out very often but when I do it's like I have diarrhea of the mouth. I'm throwing blow jobs into polite conversation!

How do I settle my nerves so I don't say anymore things to embarrass myself? After this last incident I'm ready to stay in my cave until the next century.

Dear Anxious,

I'm not sure where the problem is. I find that a conversation lacks a certain je ne c'est quoi if something blindingly inappropriate isn't thrown in. Blow jobs are small potatoes compared to, say, stories about your big, fat pussy. But if you did go that far, dialing it back is probably a good idea. With your anxiety, I doubt you could you could drive that big, fat car with out losing control and hitting a strip club; you're not ready to join the shameless big boys and girls. So let's move forward and let go of the past and, for bob's sake, laugh a little. If you get out of your head you'll find that it's pretty hilarious, especially if the people you were talking to immediately clutched their pearls. At worst, you'll be looked at as being crass. At best, people will think you're pretty awesome for letting your freak flag fly. Either way, it's a blip on the social radar and won't compare to the overly served PTA mom that outs her boob job and wants everyone to feel how real they are. (And wouldn't I like to be her friend!)

When you have a chance to go out again, talk yourself off the edge before you go. Remind yourself that social situations are not job interviews and are meant to be fun. No one is waiting to catalog and file away any of your social gaffs. Consider having a cocktail or a small fist-full of Xanex to calm your nerves. Bring a date who will re-assure you that you are fabulous and who will be happy to take the lead in conversations when you start to mentally flail. In other words, prepare yourself before you leave your cozy little cave for the big, bad world.

Or, then again, you could treat your anxiety with the exposure technique used to cure phobias. Go out one night and literally say every inappropriate thing you can think of from ass play to sexscapades at the zoo. Roll around in a big pile of shock and awe. After that, a blowjob here or there won't matter one little bit and people might actually be thankful that the only thing you shared was the blow by blow of how fellatio saved your marriage. Which ever route you take, I know you're up for the job.


  1. This was great! Thanks!

  2.  Thanks for reading, Yuckyyuck!