Monday, April 30, 2012

Forbidden Love: Friend Edition

Dear Eve,

I have a friend I'll call "Lisa."  She is the light of my life.  We've been best friends for more than half of our lives, have been through teen angst, addictions, marriages, divorces, and for what seems to be a very serene time in both our lives.  I've been divorced now for quite a number of years but she was married for the second time a few years ago.  We love each other a lot and have had off and on feelings for each other.  The problem is that now I know that I am madly in love with her and probably always have been.  Luckily she lives 3 hours from me because I don't think I could stay away from her.  She accepts me more than anyone has ever, and I know that I am better for her then her jerk-off husband.  I'm sure he cheats on her too and she tells me when we talk on the phone that she's miserable and confused.

Can I tell her that I'm in love with her and ask her to leave her husband for me?  I know she's miserable with him and I know that she's had feelings for me in the past.  I don't want to damage what we have platonically.

Dear Reluctant Casanova,

No, you can't.  You can't get into the middle of your friend's marriage unless (and maybe not even then) she asks your opinion.  The only caveat to this is if she is being abused, which she's not.

You can't because you wouldn't know what to do with her if you ever got her. Both of you have successfully avoided getting romantic for decades and I don't think it's a coincidence that you've never been single at the same time.  If there was a true romantic pull, then one of you would have jumped ship and hopped into the other's dinghy by now and been done with it, making way for some future hot geriatric snurgling sessions and eventual reminiscing (with a bit of ha-ha-ha-ing) about how long it took you two crazy kids to finally get together.

But she didn't and you didn't and now you've got to get it together and leave her alone.  She's a big girl.  If she's miserable enough she can do something about it and extricate herself from the clutches of the cad. She can lean on her best friend for moral support and for whatever other kind of help she needs and she knows that, right?  Let her make her own life in her own time; if you're madly in love and it is meant to be, then be her friend when she needs a friend and, if you're lucky, when the day comes for her to take a new lover, you can be that, too.

Then again, you could take a more cavalier approach (oh, wouldn't you love that!) and do what you want to when you want to and show up at her house (or any locale or, hell, on the phone) with your heart in your sweaty little hands.  It wouldn't be awkward at all to put her on the spot, even though she already has a husband she's committed to and hasn't expressed any desire to leave.  And I'm sure it wouldn't hurt her at all that her closest friend (you :)) whom she depends on to be there for her when freaky shit happens, is crumbling away before her eyes. On top of all of that, she has to consider breaking up with you because you've irrevocably changed the friendship you two have had for half a lifetime.  Nice going, guy.

Don't be selfish.  Be pitiful and lonely--throw in a dash of bitter-- while you wait for her marriage to die; be a little self-destructive, maybe date a drug addict or something similar to keep you busy and wait for the day when she's a free woman.  Or don't wait and jump into another relationship like you usually do.  Then when you're single and she's with another guy, write back to me.  You'll be in a nursing home by then but, hey, true love never dies, right?

Friday, April 27, 2012

Flash Friday

Should I give it one more chance?
Probably not.  You sound tired and tired means you're done.

When's the best time to plant tomatoes?
Holy Nuts!  It's actually this weekend according to Farmer's Almanac. True story.

Is it alright to ask my new boyfriend to rub my feet?
Yes.  Always ask for what you want, especially if he still has that new boyfriend smell.  Don't start the relationship censoring your needs.

Why didn't anyone show up to my party?
Your sycophantic behavior toward your friends makes you seem disingenuous because, let's be honest, you are.  You don't really like them, but like the idea of them.  They don't really like you either.

How do I ask my good friend out on a date?
Go balls out.  No demure lead up, self-effacing remarks, or saying something stupid like "It's ok if you say no." Say what you mean; don't be ashamed of how you feel.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Warning: Mad-Dad has Entered the Building

Dear Eve,

I recently had a couple kids. I am also a pessimistic a-hole who tends to see the worst in people and humanity. My opinion of people ranges from absolute hatred to being slightly-annoyed-to look-at. You know it's bad when you can really relate to the outlook of Daniel Day-Lewis's character in There Will Be Blood. I also tend to get a little introverted in public situations. I would rather stay home and read a book than do almost anything else.

However, I'm trying to be positive for the sake of my children. I understand that the best thing you can do for your children is to just try to be happy. Not maniacal happy, just upbeat and excited to do things. For example, I took my 2 year old to an indoor pool a couple of weeks ago. I thought that it would not be crowded because of the time of year. When I walked in and saw that it was practically standing room only, I almost had a nervous breakdown. I toughed it out, put on a smile, and swam with my son in gross people's urine for awhile.

I just need some pointers in dealing with the world. I genuinely don't want to do "kid" activities because they're boring and I hate other parents, but I guess I have to right? I don't want to be the dad that gets drunk before EVERY kids party but I am considering it.  Any help would be appreciated.

Dear Mad-Dad,

You're right.  A lot of social activities for kids are about as fun as The News Hour with Jim Lehrer, but they're not made for us to love.  You simply have to suck it up until your kids reach an age where they can play and you can half-read a book while looking sufficiently Uni-bomber-ish to scare off friendly parents who want to play their reindeer games with you.  Until then, only choose activities from the higher rings of hell and ones where you, coincidentally, have other commitments and can only stay for 45 minutes. While you're working on your skills of deception, start circling your wagons at home.  Young kids really only want their parents' attention and are happiest in the warm bosom of family so make a lot of play-dates with siblings and keep your parties in the immediate family.  This new-fangled idea of having to "socialize" kids with other kids is bizarre to me.  As long as you're not a family of card-carrying Vikings, everyone will learn how to behave with other sentient beings without the help of "Blah blah psuedo-science/I heard on Dr. Phil/the internet moms said/and LA LECHE LEAGUE BITCHES!" from other parents.

So what do you do for 45 minutes when you do have to leave the homestead and go to the pool because M-D Jr HAS TO GO NOW or when you have a party you can't snake out of?  Showing up absolutely does not mean that you have to assimilate into the herd and start asking people how they are doing (ugh!) and then pretend to care when they tell you nor do you have to keep up with some inane conversation about how Megan doesn't discipline Skylar and someone needs to confront her but who will it be?  There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a broody, standoffish, withdrawn misanthrope who wants nothing to do with the people around you.   Of course, all the moms will be dying to know Mr. Mysterious and spend an inappropriate amount of time talking about you, but let your wife worry about that.  On the off chance that you're feeling uncharacteristically friendly (blech!), you could find the other black sheep in the flock.  There's always one mom that doesn't play well with others and keeps to herself; I guarantee she's dying to have someone to be petulant with. The old adage "Bitching is more fun in two's" is true.  

Your kids don't need you to be someone you're not.  Be true to yourself.  I swear you're not going to ruin them.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Roommates? Hell No!

Dear Eve,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months and we a very, very much in love and I think he’s the one!!! We’re living separately, but see each other every day and sleep together every night, so we are thinking we should probably move in together. We’re getting a lot of flack from our friends who think it’s too soon, but we know we are going to be together forever, so we don’t really care.

The problem is we’re both broke and we’re both living with several roommates. It will be nearly impossible to get a new place without at least one roommate, probably two, maybe even another couple. A friend told me that it’s not a good idea to have roommates when you’re living as a couple. What do you think?

Dear Almost Gloomy Roomies,

Congratulations! Finding “the one” is such a gift. I strongly believe that love comes in many shapes, sizes and timelines and don’t care too much for the judgey judgers. There are a lot of people that have relationships and get married the “right” way and they get divorced, too. Give them the finger and be happy. Do make sure, though, that you’re not ignoring any red flags. It’s always good to have a little think before you make any big changes. And just to be clear: never date, move in with, or marry a junkie, ‘k?

Now this is important so listen up. Moving in with other people when you are a couple is simply a terrible idea. Always. I’ve never seen it work unless the house is large, it’s the couple’s home, and it’s just one roommate for a short period of time. Otherwise all of the normal roommate problems are magnified because now there are two of you to be offended, taken advantage of and yelled at for NEVER WASHING THE DISHES!!YOU NEVER WASH THE DISHES!AND STOP EATING MY YOGURT!! GET YOUR OWN, A-HOLE!!

It’s a bad idea. Period.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Just Say "No!" to Greedy Little Bastards

Dear Eve,

I have spoiled my teenagers. They go through electronics like water. So far this year I have bought 2 replacement laptops for $1000 each for school work and 5, I’m not kidding, ipods. I have 4 children and one has ADHD. The others just don’t seem to care. They are aged 9 to 17.

They expect me to keep buying when they break or lose their stuff. I’m tired of it but I think it’s too late. I’ve already created monsters.

Is it too late to be a mean mom?

Dear Pushover,

It’s never too late to be a responsible mom and that’s what we’re really talking about here. Your job isn’t to raise kids who are happy now, but to raise kids who will be happy once they are out on their own. I’ve never known a spoiled child who grew into a content adult; you’ve got to give your children a better foundation to stand on.

Don’t spend another dime on electronics. Not everyone can afford laptops and the ones that don't have one are not doomed to fail in life, anymore than your children are guaranteed to pass with one. They will tell you that they must have one for school, and they may, but they didn't care enough about that fact when they were being irresponsible with them, so you need to tell them that they need to figure it out on their own. Ignore their pleas for assistance like you ignore the condoms you found while snooping in your oldest’s bedroom. And IPods are not necessities even if everyone else has them. The kids will survive though I’m sure they will honestly believe you are killing them.

Remember: they will try to continue to manipulate you . If you value the idea of them as happy, productive adults don’t give in. Get mad, woman! Don’t cut yourself any slack. You’ve set a poor example for your kids but now you’ve got a chance to right those wrongs and make necessary changes. If you think it’s bad now, don't work to change things and wait until your spoiled kids have spoiled kids and grandma gets to foot everyone’s bills. Yay retirement! Hahahahahah. No retirement for you, granny. Now if you just said "no" in the beginning....

Friday, April 20, 2012

Flash Friday

Should I tell my girl that her jokes aren't funny?
Only if you're okay with her being just as honest with you, possibly about you-know-what.

Should I de-friend a family member on facebook who posts terribly insulting things?
Yes. De-friending and disowning are two different things, people. Let them figure it out.

Should I have a dinner party this weekend?
Sure. Four courses of outrageously good food made by vous is just what you need to get a little pep back in your step.

Why do I suddenly have cravings for Vietnamese food?
Because you've suddenly become awesome!

How can I show my wife how much I love her?
Tell her how you feel, do things to make her life easier and, for once, give her a massage that lasts longer than 30 seconds and isn't just an excuse to plant your penis in her lady garden.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Lloyd Dobler: You're All Mine

Dear Eve,

My boyfriend is having a mid-life crisis. Suddenly he is hanging out with guys (and some girls) half his age. The worst part is that he is hanging out with them at my house and keeping the hours of a 20 something. He seems much happier than he has been and I’m not worried that he might cheat but he is annoying the hell out of me and being really disrespectful.

Should I just bide my time and let him run it out of his system since he’s so damn happy or let him know that I’m at the end of my rope and he needs to grow up?

Dear Miss Respectful,

You know, this doesn’t have to be kill him or ignore him. There’s a lot of room in between to craft a punishment to fit the crime, so to speak. I have to say that in some ways this is pretty awesome. It sounds like he’s recaptured some joie de vivre that he’d lost and didn’t become a scumbag in the process so lucky you! You will reap the rewards, eventually, anyway. Happy is the gin in the martini of life.

Just be honest. Tell him you’re happy for him but feeling youthful again doesn't give him a pass to act irresponsible or immature. Let him know you need him to be a man, not a boy and if he wants the perks that only men can enjoy (::eyebrow waggle::), he needs to give you the respect you’ve given him while he's been trying out his new wings.

Then again, you could take a more interesting approach and pull out a few Madonna outfits, circa 1988, and get some gum chewing girlfriends and a few guys that don't know they're gay yet to hang out with you at the house to reboot your own inner material girl. Party like it's 1999 in a bullet bra and a pair of lace gloves while doing your best Molly Ringwald Breakfast Club dance moves. I’d add some vicious flirting with his friends just for fun; jealousy is a good minor story arc in any John Hughes movie.

If the planets align, you will both have a wonderful time for a while, at least until your husband tires of your mesh t-shirt shenanigans and realizes that he has to reign it in if you're going to go back to wearing clothes without holes in them.

Do eet! Have fun being that girl minus the very bad decisions that were a direct result of thinking that all boys are secretly Lloyd Dobler and just waiting for the right moment to stand under your window in the rain with a boom-box playing In Your Eyes while professing an undying love. Not that I would know anything about that. No way, José.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Drunk? Divorced? Dangerous!

Dear Eve,

I’m in my late 20’s and recently divorced. I spent my party years being a wife and now I am having a really good time making up for lost time.

I’m writing to you because my friends and family are worried that I’m drinking too much and using it to not deal with my divorce. I do party and drink a lot on the weekends going out with friends to see bands or karaoke and have 3 or 4 beers at night after work. I have a very stressful job and it helps me relax. Is it too much? All my friends drink just as much as me or more, it doesn’t affect my job besides the occasional hangover and I don’t act like an alcoholic and can function just fine without it. Since I don’t have a problem, I don’t see the point in stopping my partying but I don’t like that my family is worried.

How can I convince my people that I don’t have a problem?

Dear Lush,

You do have a problem. How can I convince your people that they need to ride you like a swayed-back pony until you wake up and realize what you are doing is dangerous and has the potential to cause you major problems during a time that could be a beautiful rebirth? If you say your beer swilling is of no consequence, then a simple request from the people that you love to abstain for a while should be easy. Why wouldn't you, if you could, give the people you love a little peace of mind? But you're not even considering a slow-down and that, my dear, is most certainly a problem.

We all know—you must know by now—that drinking a lot during times of stress doesn’t lead to anything good, unless your idea of good includes major depression, possible DUI’s and maybe a few STD’s if you’re feelin’ nasty. Knock it off. Put down the Poor Man’s Martini1, call your big sister and imagine together what your life would look like without the booze. If you can’t imagine a life with out a few drinks to unwind, and still don’t think you have a problem, maybe you should call Lindsay Lohan and you two can be totally awesome together. You can get your lips "plumped" so you look like a duck and never wear a bra again! She's grown up a lot so you can keep your panties on. Oh how I mourn for the old Lindsay.

But if you do see the sadness and madness of what you are doing to your life, lean on your people and get help. They are standing there to catch you when you fall.

1 Miller High Life with a few olives popped in the bottle

Monday, April 16, 2012

Fix My Picker! I'm Ready for Love

Dear Eve,

I just can't seem to find the right guy. My "picker" is broken and when I fall in love it's with the same guy: immature, narcissistic, sometimes addict, and commitment-phobic. I see a therapist which has helped, but I still can't break the cycle.

I want a long-term relationship with a guy that will love me like I love him. How can I start making better choices? I'm afraid that I'll never get "it."

Dear Heartbreaker,

I'll call you that because you're breaking mine. When you're working hard to fix the parts in you that are broken and still feel like your being held together by the cheapest glue, it's easy to start believing that you just might be too broken to fix; too empty to give; too tired to keep trying and failing. If you really were these things, though, you wouldn't be writing in to me, going to see your therapist, or keeping that small ray of hope that there is a great guy out there for you. Instead, you would've given up by now and be a crazy cat lady, sharing fish treats with you 23 closets furry friends and self-treating hookworms. It's just a matter of time before things click for you. Your hard work will pay off because you want it to and are willing to sacrifice to be where you want to be.

While you're putting the finishing touches on the leaner, meaner you, I'd like you to think about the urgency that you have to get a good guy in the bag, and quick! I'm not sure if it's a modern notion or a just a human one, but comparing your timeline to the people around you is a very good way to make yourself miserable. It's no good to tell yourself that you have a small window of opportunity to be happy. It's just not true. From the 15 year old new mom to the 51 year old couple that has their first child through the foster care system, everyone's time comes as it should. When you finally get where you want to be you will know how necessary it was to go through what you did to get what you wanted all along. Remember: when you jump on someone else's train, it's a good way to miss your own.

Trust me. One day you will be giving this same advice to a sweet, self-sabotaging lady whose had her fill of free-loading bass players that hit on her friends and swear they'll get a job tomorrow. You'll help rid her of the pox of the man-boy and wipe the tattoo from her forehead that says so eloquently, "Screw me over, please, then make me feel guilty about it. Oh, and by the way, I'll pay you to do it, too." You'll be a saint, my darling, and I cannot wait to see that.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Flash Friday

Should I finally confront my mom?
No.  Wait until you can say "I can't wait to confront my mom!" Otherwise, you'll crash and burn and just feel worse.

Can I get away with wearing leggings?
Yes!  They make everyone look super cute.  Just cover your ass if it's huge.

What's a good date movie?
Harold and Maude.  No contest.

Am I ready to get a dog?
No.  You'll have to walk the poor thing and we know you won't. But it sounds nice in theory!

Why are we fighting so much?
You're both afraid to talk about the real problem so fighting over the little things is a safer way to show how unhappy you are.  Being honest is hard but you have to do it or things will get much worse.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Suggestion: Don't Date Someone That Doesn't Like You

Dear Eve,

I have been seeing my girlfriend for about 6 months. We date 3-4 times per month, which isn't enough for me, but we're professionals and busy so I'm cool with it. The problem is that she's starting graduate school and says we will not be able to see each other at all for at least 4 months because she will be too busy. There isn't even time for a quick lunch together once a week and we only live 5 minutes apart. She says we can text each other to keep in touch, but not a lot. She has to keep her mind on her studies.

I want to know if her behavior is reasonable, or am I being selfish in thinking that she should make a little time for us when she's working so hard already? She knows I'll miss her but assures me that nothing has changed between us.

Dear Utterly Hopeless,

She is not your girlfriend.

The evidence:

  1. You live 5 minutes from each other and maybe see her once a week. That’s about as often as you see the gas station guy, and I don’t think you see him as a romantic interest.
  2. She doesn't want to see you for four months. Is she going into a convent? Taking a vow of silence? A boyfriend should be pretty important, dontcha think? I worked 40 hours a week, went to school full-time and still managed to nurture a decent relationship with a bottle scotch and procure all the sexy times a stressed-out student needs. 
  3. She won’t agree to see you for a half hour a week for lunch. She will spend that much time picking stray whiskers off her chin. Just to get math-y on you, that is about .3% of her week she can’t spare. On you. Her boyfriend.
  4. She told you nothing has changed between you. Now with that I agree. To make the shift from spending 4 hours a week (just guessing) to zero hours a week isn't much of a difference.
  5. She knows you want a relationship and she DOES NOT CARE. She likes having you there, though, for whenever it suits her. That's what's known as "shitty."

To answer your question, you are not being selfish. You are being stupid.

So, Utterly Hopeless, be a little kinder to yourself and choose to date women who actually like you. They are out there. Cut your losses and find someone worth your time, love and devotion.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Mama Loves Her Baby, But Her Baby is a Bitch

Dear Eve,

My boyfriend and I are going to stay for a weekend at my parent's house which is 3 hours away. We're both 20 years old and have been together for more than a year and they've met him before. My Mom said he can stay the night but expects us to sleep in separate beds and says we can pay for a hotel if that doesn't suit us. How do I tell her she's crazy and remind her that I'm a grown woman? I'm an adult. She still treats me like a child and I'm sick of it.

Dear Fornicator,

Have mercy on me! I'm about to expire from the injustice of it all. How dare your mother have a set of morals that doesn't match your own! Doesn't she realize that just because it's her house, it doesn't give her the right to decide who can sleep where? You're an adult! And let's not forget that you should be able to have sex when and where you want to and no one should be able to infringe upon that unalienable right because you're a grown-ass woman, right? You could go to a hotel but she expects you to pay for it yourself. Has she forgotten that you're her child? Geez! Am I glad that I'm not you.

Oh, come on! You have lost your mind, girl. It's your mother: her house, her rules. You've got more problems than just being immature and selfish if you and your lover can't endure being apart for a few nights, just a couple of rooms apart. You want to be treated like an adult? Act like one and pay for a hotel with your own money if your mom's accommodations clash with your sensibilities. Don't you dare try to squeeze a few shekels out of her for a hotel room, either, especially when she's being inexplicably gracious by wanting to spend time with you in the first place.

A final word: In my life, I have never heard an adult make the proclamation that they are one. Grandma never whines, "But I'm an adult!" when things don't go her way, neither does my 18 year old, very responsible and very self-reliant niece, but both are. If you're really an adult, you don't have to remind anyone of that fact, anymore than you need to remind people that you're a woman or, for that matter, that you're a whiny bitch. Now go be a good girl and call your mom.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Slacks, Slackers and the Women Who Love Them

Dear Eve.

Currently my 24 year old god-daughter who just graduated from college is staying with me while applying for jobs. She's a nice girl and very smart but dresses so terribly I don't think she'll ever get hired for anything but being a stripper. School girl mini-mini skirts, thigh highs, shredded tees.... She dresses a little better for interviews, but not much. She says she wants to be hired for her mind.

I've taken her shopping and offered to buy her a nice button-up and a pair of slacks for interviews but she declines the offer. I've talked to her about professionalism until I'm blue in the face. I told her she could stay here until she gets on her feet but I'm not ready to have a permanent house guest.

Am I absolved of my duties to help and guide her since I've done all I can think of to help her? I know she's getting really tired of me. :)

Dear God Mutha,

I don't think you were ever responsible for getting her ready for the real world, but if you need absolution to not feel guilty if she fails, consider it given. The woman is 24 years old, has a college degree and is making a conscious decision to not make any effort to change her appearance to improve her chances of getting a job. This juvenile idea that personal fashion is an inalienable right should die at high school graduation.

You need to get real with her and set boundaries; you are doing her a disservice by letting her stay with you responsibility-free. She should have an urgency, even a desperation, to take care of herself and make whatever sacrifices necessary to be self-sufficient, so give her a move-out date to light a fire under her ass. You need to understand, also, that nice only goes so far; she is taking advantage of you. Being a good listener and having good manners is fine, but we show people how we really feel by our actions. And her actions say "Godmother, thanks for being my bitch. It means a lot to me that I can take advantage of you both financially and morally, but you make it so easy you deserve it. Thanks for the cash, too. I'm not using it for gas. I need pot to be able to deal with your incessant nagging. And BTW, those slacks make your legs look like you've filled a pair of pantyhose with potatoes." Man, she sounds like a real twat-waffle.

Free yourself from the bonds of feeling responsible for this young lady's life choices. It's totally okay if she fails. She's young enough and smart enough to get through it and be better for it. You've done enough for her.

Now let's get down to the real tragedy here: Slacks. Seriously? The word itself sounds like a disease. I certainly don’t want to catch “the slacks.” It’s a bitch to get rid of and makes you smell like moth balls. Ladies wear trousers, woman!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Come at Me, Bro!

Dear Eve,
I fear that I'm addicted to trash reality TV. Whenever I find myself flipping through the channels I can't help but watch it. What's my problem? HELP!

Dear Trash Selector,

The problem isn't the shows themselves, but the fear of being judged as crass, stupid, or juvenile for enjoying what many feel is, at best, worthless entertainment and, at worst, a harbinger of the downfall of civilization. Reality TV fans, like fat people, Canadians, and the small chested, can still be abused in polite company, with no recourse, and often are. Get their shrill, judgey-judgey voices out of your head and try to enjoy your TV guilt-free. That shit makes you laugh! And doesn't laughter make the world go 'round?

The truth is, part of being human is being curious about how other people live, even if the "reality" of many of the shows is in question; it doesn't matter. People long to know the intimacies and practical aspects of other people's lives so we can compare ourselves to them. It's like a litmus test to see how "normal" we are. If you're bothered by the amount of time you are wasting with this obsession, the good news is eventually your curiosity will be sated and the obsession will fade away; the types of people and lifestyles portrayed on TV are so similar it won't take that long.

In the mean time, enjoy the alcohol-fueled, deliciously tragic, hopelessly narcissistic lunatics that make you thankful to be you. And for anyone who tries to make you feel less than awesome because of what you choose to watch on TV? Try this: go get a spray tan, workout, get a partner in crime, develop serious anger issues, buy an outfit at least one size too small, have sex with strangers, learn how to effectively misuse the easiest words, firmly believe that you are the hottest, sexiest person on the planet, sell your soul for your possessions, and leave bodies in your wake as you fight to become the most famous person in the universe ever, then you're ready to show 'em that you are not to be disrespected. It's time, now, to stalk your new arch-enemy while cultivating a disproportionate rage. Once they're in your sights, throw back low calorie drinks 'til you drown your self-respect and black out. Confront your enemy and in your best yell/slur challenge them to "Come at me, bro. Come at me!" But before the first sucker punch can be thrown, you will have peed your pants (but you don't care!) and doused your enemy's shoes. You could possibly be arrested for public urination but more than likely you will afix an air freshener to your crotch and steady yourself for round deux of being awesome in public.
But you showed them. Reality TV fans: Piss them off, and you just might get pissed on.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Flash Friday

When should tell her I love her?
Wait a little while. She won't be ready to hear you until whats-his-name gets his penis out of her ear.

Do I drink too much?
Water? No way! You're a little dehydrated from all the booze you over-indulge in.

Why does my laundry always smell gross even when I wash it?
You're probably letting it sit too long in the washer before you dry it or you're putting it away damp. Don't do that.

How do I have a one-night-stand and not feel guilty?
Throw away your self-respect and pretend that your heart is dead.

Why am I always the last one picked when we choose teams?
You are far superior to the cretins around you and you intimidate them with your alien-sized super-brain.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Put the Poo Stick Down!

Dear Eve,

My close friend has really bad breath. Should I tell him?

Dear Freshmaker,

I think that as a human collective it should be okay under any circumstances to tell someone their breath smells like they’ve been sucking on a poo stick and chasing it with a frothy glass of fresh-squeezed anus. The only thing that keeps us from doing so is that we are afraid to embarrass Mr. or Mrs. Poopbreath but it seems, however, that no one has any problem with letting them embarrass themselves. It's truly a social handicap and I'm sure that you would be pissed if it was you stinking up the place and no one bothered to let you know.

Do him a kindness and tell him “Brother, your breath is killing me. It always smells like you’ve been licking a corpse. Breath mint?” Or maybe couch the ouch. “Your breath smells really bad all the time. You need to take care of it. Bong hit?” Stumble, mumble, write it down. It doesn’t matter how you do it, but let him know. You should be embarrassed that you’ve not done so by now.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Let Me Advise You to Have Sex with Me

Dear Eve,

I'm a junior at university and in trouble. I recently went through a terrible break-up and my grades suffered because I didn't handle it well. My adviser scheduled a meeting with me to see what was up and I told him. I was taken aback that this normally buttoned-up guy suddenly was very kind and concerned and talked to me for quite awhile telling me that I was a great girl, I deserved better, etc. Then he suggested we get together for dinner and a few beers to talk some more. I thought it was odd, but we'd known each other a long time, plus he's 25 years older than me and never gave off a sexual vibe and he's married. So he came to my apartment, brought the beer and I cooked. Pretty normal at first, then he pulled me onto his lap and was all over me. I was freaked out! Unfortunately, I kissed him back because I didn't know what else to do! I didn't know how to tell this old man/authority figure to stop because I'm lame like that. He told me he's always wanted me and wants to have an affair.

I should've stopped it and I didn't. He's my adviser for another year and I don't even think I can look at him again. In a way I feel violated but I know I don't have a right to since I didn't tell him no.

I have no idea what to do for the next year. His office is in the building that most of my classes are. I'm totally screwed.

Dear Irresistible Co-ed,

You're not totally screwed unless you choose to be. Everything will be fine once you step back, re-evaluate the situation and understand that this does not hold enough weight to ruin your senior year. It's an eww-inducing memory, but not one that warrants jeopardizing graduation. You can fix things from your end. His reaction will be his own; you've got to know that and let go.

Let's break it down. You were vulnerable, willfully naive, and lack the power to stand up for yourself. He is a creepy cheater/predator that likes to take down the weak ones in the herd. The fact is you had a mini-make-out session with a someone in a position of power who rightly believed, by your own admission, that his advances were welcome, so now, as far as he is concerned, you're interested in continuing the relationship. He is hoping this anyway, while having high anxiety that he went too far and that he is jeopardizing his tenure for a piece of co-ed ass. You, my little sweetie, are going to have to leave your childish ways behind and claim your place as Woman and go into the eye of the storm to set him straight. Meet with your adviser and tell him that you regret what happened and want to maintain a professional relationship with him and are happy to change advisers if he is uncomfortable. THIS WILL BE HARD but must be done or you will not only be miserable for your senior year but you will also take on the mantle of Victim, which is just pathetic. You're a grown-ass woman, so next time isten to the voice in your head that says, "This is a bad idea." and you can avoid having to pull on iron-clad panties and going to the mat.

This is not to say that the professor wasn't acting vile because men that take advantage of vulnerable or naive women have a special place in hell. And even though you acted in a receptive manner, you should still make a report of the situation. This type of behavior doesn't happen in a vacuum; there are other girls out there that weren't able to stand up for themselves. You owe it to them. Too bad it would be frowned upon to simply humiliate him sexually to get your point across. A little bit of HAHA LOOK AT THAT WHERE'S YOUR VIAGRA YOU'RE BODY IS GROSS could go a long way with this guy and put him off his game enough so that the next time a doe-eyed co-ed catches his... eye he'll be less inclined to pounce.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

The Sound of One Hipster Clapping

Dear Eve,

I have a friend who gets really snarky and mean in arguments and it's only gotten worse since he's been hanging around very angry hipsters. Anyone who points out he is unnecessarily harsh gets accused of derailing the argument because they have a poor position to defend. I want him to stop, but there’s nothing I can really do about it because if I bring it up, I’m accused of doing the same thing. Because I know him so well, I feel responsible to let him know this is a problem before he burns some bridges with the friends he has left, since he's now starting to really bring his attitude all the time. The funny thing is that he can be really fun to be around. That's why we became friends.

I've already started to distance myself from him. I don't see him that often and when I do, if he starts to argue I leave. Is there really anything I can do about this, other than let it go myself?

Dear Nice Girl,

You're over-thinking this. Fact: he's an asshole. It doesn't really matter that he used to be fun. His wanker ways have superseded his good qualities because he has no problem 1) trying to make other people look like idiots, and 2) he's unwilling to take a step back and re-evaluate his attitude when someone who's been a very good friend to him gives him the come-to-bob talk.

Why don't you get pissed at him for taking up your heart-space with worry? Actually, get a little pissed at yourself for getting caught up in his fuckery and giving him more time then he deserves. You've done your due diligence as a friend and you've done the right thing for both of you by putting distance between you. The important thing now is to not feel one iota of guilt about your defection. It never pays to care for someone who would openly mock you if given the chance.

If you're feeling extra spicy, you could be honest with him, perhaps on paper so he can't interrupt, and then be brutally honest. Tell him how his words alienate people and that you're not going to sit by and watch him implode because of his jackassery. Explain your frustration and be done with it. It's going to feel really good to strip away any residual feelings of responsibility.

And the bonus? You no longer have to pretend to appreciate the smelly-in-an-ironic-way moustachioed absurdist affectation that glues a hipster together. You can openly mock them like all good Americans should. It's in the Constitution under the No Bullshit Clause.

Monday, April 2, 2012

And My Ovaries Pick....You!

Dear Eve,

I'm happily married, but have found myself in lust with a man at my workplace. I feel like, given the opportunity, I would cheat. This man is just so awesome! At the same time, I don't want to cheat and I don't want to ruin my marriage. Please help!

Dear Man Eater,

This could go two ways, depending on how fixed your moral compass is. If you’re an active member of The Upright Citizens Brigade you probably aren’t going to rip off your panties if the chance presents itself. It’s easy to imagine that you would, but it becomes very real when the clothes start to come off. I’m betting that you won’t let it get that far. But, if you do slip, you're going to see a man that’s willing to have an affair with a married woman and I don’t think you’ll like what you see. I suspect his penis will look suspiciously like rolled up divorce papers.

However, if your moral compass is broken or always pointing South, now’s the time to back the truck up that’s hauling your big steaming load of delusions. Stop what you’re doing now before your passing lust (and it is passing because you are thinking with your ovaries), messes up a lot of lives. Realize that you don't have the privilege to make easily avoidable stupid mistakes; you gave up that right when you said "for better or for worse." It's pathetic to ruin a happy marriage over, what will turn out to be, a passing fancy.

Why is it so hard to privately acknowledge an attraction, have a few sex dreams about said attraction, blush when you see him on occasion and then leave it alone? When you turn off your brain and let your hormones make life decisions for you, shit gets effed up, people. If you’re going to wreck your marriage, mix up your kids and scare away your married friends with your out-of-control ego and hungry vag, at least do it for love. Because, you know, thinking you're in love is a perfectly acceptable reason to break your vows to a man that’s committed to you and probably thinks you're a decent person. It doesn’t make you a terrible human being at all; I'm sure your happiness is all that matters to him. You're such a lucky gal!