Monday, April 2, 2012

And My Ovaries Pick....You!

Dear Eve,

I'm happily married, but have found myself in lust with a man at my workplace. I feel like, given the opportunity, I would cheat. This man is just so awesome! At the same time, I don't want to cheat and I don't want to ruin my marriage. Please help!

Dear Man Eater,

This could go two ways, depending on how fixed your moral compass is. If you’re an active member of The Upright Citizens Brigade you probably aren’t going to rip off your panties if the chance presents itself. It’s easy to imagine that you would, but it becomes very real when the clothes start to come off. I’m betting that you won’t let it get that far. But, if you do slip, you're going to see a man that’s willing to have an affair with a married woman and I don’t think you’ll like what you see. I suspect his penis will look suspiciously like rolled up divorce papers.

However, if your moral compass is broken or always pointing South, now’s the time to back the truck up that’s hauling your big steaming load of delusions. Stop what you’re doing now before your passing lust (and it is passing because you are thinking with your ovaries), messes up a lot of lives. Realize that you don't have the privilege to make easily avoidable stupid mistakes; you gave up that right when you said "for better or for worse." It's pathetic to ruin a happy marriage over, what will turn out to be, a passing fancy.

Why is it so hard to privately acknowledge an attraction, have a few sex dreams about said attraction, blush when you see him on occasion and then leave it alone? When you turn off your brain and let your hormones make life decisions for you, shit gets effed up, people. If you’re going to wreck your marriage, mix up your kids and scare away your married friends with your out-of-control ego and hungry vag, at least do it for love. Because, you know, thinking you're in love is a perfectly acceptable reason to break your vows to a man that’s committed to you and probably thinks you're a decent person. It doesn’t make you a terrible human being at all; I'm sure your happiness is all that matters to him. You're such a lucky gal!

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