Monday, April 9, 2012

Come at Me, Bro!

Dear Eve,
I fear that I'm addicted to trash reality TV. Whenever I find myself flipping through the channels I can't help but watch it. What's my problem? HELP!


Dear Trash Selector,

The problem isn't the shows themselves, but the fear of being judged as crass, stupid, or juvenile for enjoying what many feel is, at best, worthless entertainment and, at worst, a harbinger of the downfall of civilization. Reality TV fans, like fat people, Canadians, and the small chested, can still be abused in polite company, with no recourse, and often are. Get their shrill, judgey-judgey voices out of your head and try to enjoy your TV guilt-free. That shit makes you laugh! And doesn't laughter make the world go 'round?

The truth is, part of being human is being curious about how other people live, even if the "reality" of many of the shows is in question; it doesn't matter. People long to know the intimacies and practical aspects of other people's lives so we can compare ourselves to them. It's like a litmus test to see how "normal" we are. If you're bothered by the amount of time you are wasting with this obsession, the good news is eventually your curiosity will be sated and the obsession will fade away; the types of people and lifestyles portrayed on TV are so similar it won't take that long.

In the mean time, enjoy the alcohol-fueled, deliciously tragic, hopelessly narcissistic lunatics that make you thankful to be you. And for anyone who tries to make you feel less than awesome because of what you choose to watch on TV? Try this: go get a spray tan, workout, get a partner in crime, develop serious anger issues, buy an outfit at least one size too small, have sex with strangers, learn how to effectively misuse the easiest words, firmly believe that you are the hottest, sexiest person on the planet, sell your soul for your possessions, and leave bodies in your wake as you fight to become the most famous person in the universe ever, then you're ready to show 'em that you are not to be disrespected. It's time, now, to stalk your new arch-enemy while cultivating a disproportionate rage. Once they're in your sights, throw back low calorie drinks 'til you drown your self-respect and black out. Confront your enemy and in your best yell/slur challenge them to "Come at me, bro. Come at me!" But before the first sucker punch can be thrown, you will have peed your pants (but you don't care!) and doused your enemy's shoes. You could possibly be arrested for public urination but more than likely you will afix an air freshener to your crotch and steady yourself for round deux of being awesome in public.
But you showed them. Reality TV fans: Piss them off, and you just might get pissed on.

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