Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Do As I Say...


Recently, I've been giving Minor Classes in how not to wave your ass in the air and fling your dirt on social networking sites.  The stink of desperation in some posts makes me cringe more than my annual hooha check.  Having been "That Girl" at one time in my life, I'm  driven to intervene in the more grievous incidents of over-sharing and sympathy trolling. All a person needs is a mirror most of the time and I am happy to point one out to any walking pity-party.

My favorite kind of post, and the one that by far makes me want to poke needles in my eyes is the "No one loves me." post.  There's usually an undercurrent of "I know I'm not lovable but I'm really happy that you are all perfect.  Really."  Boys, girls and the in-between, I'm telling you that this is not the way to win friends or even have people feel sorry for you.  You are telling people, in essence, that you are depressed, envious of your friends and simultaneously have no energy or interest in changing.

Of course, you think  that baring your soul so bravely on the interwebs and your complete and honest assessment of your worthlessness will endear you to someone who crushes on Edward Scissorhands or perhaps someone who believes that they've been put on this earth to see the worthiness in the worthless.  Or maybe you secretly want to entrench yourself in assholeville, guaranteeing that you will one day be with naught but your boo-hoo-hooing posts and the attending anemic 'attaboys to get your through your miserable life.  Either way, it's tiresome and you're a grown-up.

It's bad enough that your neighborhood emo girl practically pity-trolls as a part-time job, and her counterpart, the misunderstood young man whose mama never loved him and whose dad is a crackhead or some version of a crackhead, lays himself out to be crucified regularly--they are quite enough for anyone's newsfeed.  Step back and listen to me.  If you really are miserable, alone and have no hope for your future, are truly unlovable and destined to never be loved the way you want to be loved, I'm sure everyone already knows it.  We don't need to be reminded because if you are this guy or gal you've already shared the good news, in person, ad nauseum.  You're olympic-sized pity-grabs weren't born out of the internet, you've just found a new medium to torture everyone with.

For the love of bob, please stop the verbal water-boarding.  No matter your circumstance sharing your troubles with a bunch of people that really don't care is not going to make it better.  Find a few real life friends and bend their ear and then listen to them, too.  Being the mayor of Me-ville in the state of Self-Absorption is a false existence.  You are connected.  Honor those connections and you'll find yourself less-inclined to vomit self-loathing on any pair of shoes pointed in your direction.  Then, when you actually do vomit, you'll have friends by your side to not only fetch you a bucket but to hold back your hair, too.

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