Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Fat-Bottomed Moms Make Everything Go 'Round

Dear Eve,

I'm fat.  20 pounds overweight to be precise.  I gained weight after my kids were born and I'm not even sure how.  I wasn't doing anything different!  I've always been sexy, well before anyway, and kept myself in shape.

It doesn't matter though.  I don't like the way I look and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to budge it.

What can I do?  I swear it's not possible to eat less or workout more.  I'm already at my max.

Dear Chubby (just kidding :)),

Motherhood has a way of being a great equalizer.  Suddenly a woman very in control of her life, unlike those other women, is put in a situation where, possibly, she doesn't have much control over her life or her body.  Children are crying, crawling, chaos machines.  Your body, if you're one of the unlucky ones, can become an anarchist, no longer wanting to conform to laws it's been governed by in the past.  It begins to make its own rules and basically makes you its bitch. Your world changes in more ways than you signed up for and it sucks.

Start to think about life after motherhood as the equivalent to moving to a new country.  There is a new culture and language, new people around you, and a period of immersion and assimilation. Hopefully you'll fall in love with the place once you've settled.  Accept that you are not who you were.  This new woman is by far more awesome and strong.  She has a body that can make people for bob's sake!  And included in the fabulous new you is the gift of a few extra pounds.  That is your lot.  Some women get a whole lot more, some even lose weight.  Que sera, sera.

I think you've made yourself invisible.  "Don't look at me, the fatty.  This is not me!  The real me was before!  This is not a fair representation of who I am.  I promise!"  But this is the real you.  You are twenty pounds overweight.  That is a fact.  You are bigger than you were before and I bet the only person that cares is you.  I'll say this in the nicest way I know: Get the fuck over it. Well, that isn't really nice, but it'll do.  You need a kick in the pants.  When we put a lot of emphasis on our weight, we short-change ourselves happiness.  Own that this is a superficial problem the you are allowing to take root on a non-superficial level and you know that you are better than that.

While you're changing your outlook, do a little shopping and pick clothes that flatter what you've got.  Look in the mirror and be your best friend.  Instead of focusing on the flaws, look at the awesomes.  It may sound impossible, but bigger women have done it.  Ample boobage is a gift from heaven.  A junky-trunk is even better.  A few belly rolls? Meh.  Totally pointless.

Accept the woman you've become.  She's more interesting and a hell of a lot wiser than girl she's left behind.  And now you've got it in the front and the back.  What more could you ask for?

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