Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Lazy, Stupid, and Godless or One of the Beautiful People?

Dear Eve,

It's my mother.  Everything about her aggravates me and I aggravate her.   I'm a 24 year-old woman and being treated like a child.  The problem is I've moved back to home and will be here for a while because I got laid off and was foreclosed on because of it.  I'm very thankful that she's let me stay but I'll never be the princess that she wants because she wants that perfect Christian girl.   Apparently I look too much like a "retard," a.k.a. kinda Goth, to get taken seriously, and I'm just "not trying" because I haven't found a job yet.

How can I get her off my back without sounding like an ungrateful b*tch?

Dear GothGirl,

Ungrateful bitch, huh?  Meh.  She is giving you a priceless gift for a gal in your predicament but, unfortunately for you, this is one gift that has more strings attached than a flock of strippers doing a dirty-Pinocchio routine.   She sounds like an asshole, too, so being a bit of a bitch may be a reasonable, albeit immature, response.  The real question is: Are you willing to be the adult in this relationship (because it doesn't look like she can be) and simply be grateful, strings included, because you are, after all, not homeless?  Can you be a Grateful Bitch?  You did choose her instead of, say, your crazy uncle, pot-head cousin, slutty best friend, or cheating boyfriend.  I can only imagine that these were your choices if she raised you.  You have culpability here, lady; you knew what you were getting yourself into and still packed up your Cube and moved back into your Marilyn Manson shrine/room.

You simply cannot do anything to change her behavior; only she can.  Accept it.  Even if you stopped dying your hair black, got a job at a bank and became a nun all at the same time, you would still be a disappointment, and you know this.  My advice?  Work your ass off to find a job or jobs, save every dollar you make and move out.  Don't wait until you can buy a one bedroom condo with a weight room and washer/drier in a neighborhood close to work.  Move into some leadpaint-covered monstrosity with a carpeted kitchen and shared bathroom as soon as you save first and last month's rent.  Until then, whenever she's home, leave.

Of course you could speed up the process by taking odd jobs: blood donation, egg donation!, medical trials, and my all-time favorite--Stripping!  If you don't do at least one of these (and I'm leaning toward the stripping because you get to 1) exercise, 2) network, 3) give hand-jobs at your leisure, and everyone loves a stripper!), you're slacking.

You're gonna make it out of there in no time.  Trust me. Until then, keep your head down and your g-strings clean.  Bob knows they don't clean themselves.