Friday, August 17, 2012

Flash Friday

Who is he?
A very scary man with good hair and a vacant smile.

What is he doing?
Trying to beat the hope out of everyone around him with a green papaya and, possibly, a jelly roll.

Why is he doing it?
Because he's awesome at being rich.

When will he stop?
When Birnum Wood comes to Dunsinane.

How can we get rid of him?
If everyone kicks a rich person in the taint at a same-sex marriage ceremony and simultaneously cashes their Social Security and disability checks, then joins a labor union full of ethnic minorities that eat organic food, then, maybe, we'll get rid of him.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Her Boobs Are a Lie! A Lie I Say!

Dear Eve,

I have a really aggravating friend that I am ready to dump.  She has no idea who she really is.  She thinks she's smarter, funnier, more accomplished, skinnier and wait for it--says she has BIGGER BOOBS than she does.  She might be a c cup but she wears padded bras to make it look like DD's and brags about her chest.  WTF?  How weird is that?  We go out together all the time but I'm starting to hate being around her because she's so ridiculous. We all make jokes about her in front of her and she still doesn't get the hint. As smart as she thinks she is, you'd think that she'd know it and make some changes.

Should I put up with her crap (we do have history and she used to be cool) or is it time to move on from crazy?


Dear Aggravated,

One of the glorious advantages of being an adult is the ability to choose one's friends.  Exercise that right, now please, and end the friendship.  You don't have a nice thing to say about the poor girl so why keep pretending?  So you can show how cool you are by an exaggerated eye-roll when she mentions her MENSA membership?  or her Comedy Central "These are Double-D's" tour? or how she was able fit through her miniature dachshund's doggie door when she locked herself out because she's so thin? SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN EFFING WEINER DOG! you say to yourself as you're rolling on the floor convinced she's finally caused you to have a seizure (but really you're just a super-duper drama-llama). It's time to move forward and get into a mental space where you're not moved to apoplectic fits every time she opens her mouth.

Actually, all of you need to release Lil Tits back into the wild and stop using her as the group's punching bag.  She may keep you all from biting the ears off of each other, sure, but it's just not cool to be so mean.  Stop inviting her to go out with you, and if you happen to be in the same place at the same time, give her as little face time as possible.  In other words, give the friendship a peaceful death; don't shoot it in the face just to watch the blood splatter.

Then again, you could continue to be a major eye-rolling, passive-aggressive, snarky douchebag and make everyone hahaha at your cleverness when you publicly and painfully deride her.. Because that's what a good person does.  And doesn't everyone want to be a good person?

Monday, August 13, 2012

A Tale of Serious Woe

Dear Eve,

I used to be in a group of friends that had really low morals, for lack of a better description.  I had a great time, met my wife there, and since then we've grown apart from just about everyone.  We stay in touch with just a few on an acquaintance basis and that's cool with me.  They were a really smart, interesting crowd.

The problem is that one of these people, one of the most loved I should say is a very bad person.  Or I should say did a very bad thing to someone one time in the far past and I know about it.  It makes me furious when I hear people say how great this person is and hear them say I love you and tell them they're the greatest.  I want to tell everyone what this person did and have them shunned from society.  The problem is, it's a secret.  The "victim" doesn't know I know.  I don't even know who else might know.

I feel like I'm going insane every time I hear that asshole's name.  What can I do to make this right?

Dear Nice Man,

You seem nice, anyway.  To keep your friend's secret (can I call them a friend?) and go crazy over it for years is an amazing feat and a kindness that most people could not offer.  I'll thank you on their behalf.

Now what to do, what to do?  Of course, exploding the information all over the place would be terribly messy and hurtful to the person that you're protecting.  You also don't know who knows.  Maybe everyone already knows, has processed it and moved on.  You said it was a one-time thing.  Sometimes people make really bad mistakes and go on to be forgiven.  The victim, as well, might have moved on, making peace with the person, or just within themselves.  With this in mind, sharing this information with anyone for revenge is simply not an option.  You've been such a gentleman so far, don't screw it up now.

You can only make this right within yourself.  Which sucks.  There is going to be no glorious release of pent-up rage.  There will be no public metaphorical flogging or literal shunning.  This person will not be punished in front of your eyes.  Accept this, my darling, and move on probably with the help of a professional, or even your wife if she's a good listener and can keep a dangerous secret.  Let it all out.  Every injustice you've heard or witnessed, your worries and fears about both the victim and the abuser, your anger toward your own impotence.  Expunge it all, then you will have a foundation to start to forgive yourself because that is really where your anger lies.  Of course, you want justice, but that white-hot rage is really toward yourself for not protecting, stopping, doing something to make it not so.  This isn't logical, but it's true. You didn't say you witnessed the act, so you couldn't have physically stopped it, but people have a way of what-iffing their way to responsibility when someone they love is hurt:  What if I didn't go out that night?  What if I listened to them when they said they were scared?  What if I never introduced them?  I had a feeling, why didn't I do something?, etc.  We love to hurt ourselves with what-if's.  The fact is that it happened because the bad person did it.  Not you.  They chose their actions and you couldn't have stopped it because you weren't there.  Nothing else matters.  You had no physical way of knowing what was happening or keeping it from happening.  That's a fact.  Let go of your self-imposed responsibility; give yourself the gift of freedom and get it through therapy if you need to.

I don't have anything funny to say about this.  It breaks my heart.


Friday, August 10, 2012

Flash Friday

Is my afternoon meeting going to go bad?
No.  Surprisingly, things are going to go your way for once. I'm so happy for you!  Just don't talk.

How many times am I going to have to tell my kids to stop before they do?
Just one more time.  But this time you're going to mean it, follow through with an appropriate consequence and then enforce it.

What's something interesting I can do for date night when we've been married so long?
Find a festival or concert within driving distance.  Make a boozy picnic dinner to have before you go in, and for-real talk for the first time in how long?  This time listen, please.

Who in the world keeps stealing my parking spot at work?  I've been parking there for 2 years!
Some nobody middle manager that has no soul.  Do you think they care that your space is sacred?  They don't because they are a minion of the devil.  That means they are bad.

When will I stop being anxious about all of family's troubles?
Soon, bebe.  You're going to get some help from the doctors you've been putting off calling. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you can't do something alone.  We all need support.




Thursday, August 9, 2012

Introduce Her? I Hardly Know Her!


Dear Eve,

OK. Lets say I had lunch with a woman a few weeks ago and then spent more time again with her at dinner a few weeks later. No money changed hands. Alcohol, chloroform, and/or restraints were NOT involved! This is new to me.  I've not dated in the years since my divorce which was a long time ago.  I'm cautiously optimistic so my question is 

When should a new friend be introduced to the kids?

Dear Tramp,

Just kidding!  Good for you.  It's scary to jump back into the dating pool when your toes have been dry for so long and even more scary to be optimistic about a possible relationship.  But nothing makes me sing more then to see a sad, dead, barren heart suddenly alive like a hive of bees in a buckwheat field.  A man cannot live for his kids alone.  The heart wants a partner and this is a very good thing.

Now let's see.  Hmm. When to bring her around?  Not now for sure, unless your kids are old enough to meet you for a few drinks for the get-to-know-you. If that's the case, go for it.  Since it has been so long since you've even tried dating, I'm sure they'll be happy to see you give it a go.  It's sad to watch a parent be lonely.  If they're younger kids, hold off...for a while.  Wait until you are sure that you're in a healthy, monogamous relationship.  And for the record, there is nothing wrong with keeping secrets from your kids.  Having an adult relationship without their knowledge is not sneaking around, it's being responsible.  I say this because I'm tired of the whining, "I don't want to keep secrets from my kids because it will ruin our trust.  They deserve to know.  Whaahhh.."  Nice excuse to not be a grown-up.  

It's not time now, and it won't be for a while.  Take the excitement you feel and channel it into building a beautiful romance, or finding out that she's a bitch, just not for you, or, perhaps, that she's "the one."  Revel in the fact that you're excited about someone.  Feel scared and crazy and thankful that you've got a lot of chances to get it right and then take all of those chances.  You've only got one life, right?

Then again, you could say "To hell with everything!" and bring her on in and introduce her as your lady-friend.  It'll be like 1983 all over again.  I can see the polyester suit, her fluffy hair, the once hopeful, turned hopeless, look in her eye as she realizes that she's just another notch on your belt.  And then there are the kids in front of the tv eating cereal, watching your bedroom's revolving door as the same, hopeful-looking girls get schtupped, taken to San Diego for the weekend in your mid-life crisis convertible, then unceremoniously dumped in front of the apartment they share with 3 other stewardesses.  Your kids will learn a lot from this: women are to be used, are expendable, that men don't have feelings and relationships are about sex.  Of course, this is a little out there (who makes up this kind of shit? geez!), but the sentiment is there.  Even if it's just one lady, one time, it will make an impact.  Conversely, if you get crushed and give up, or continue to get crushed and don't make changes that's not good either.

Just be smart, put your kids before you own base needs, and everyone will be ok. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Love Me? Uh, No- Get Back to Work

Dear Eve,

I want my boss to like me and he doesn't.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he'd be happy if I didn't work for him at all.  It's my nature, though, to please people and it drives me crazy and makes me sad that this guy doesn't like me and I've not done anything wrong!  I'm not a perfect employee, but I'm also not a slacker and do my best.  When I don't make a deadline, I explain why.  My friends have told me that I explain too much because I'll give personal reasons, sometimes, as to why I something didn't go right, or just to try and get him to like me by knowing me a little better, kinda to let him see what makes me me.  I'm a likable girl!

Right now, I'm facing possible termination, a boss that can't even look me in the eye, and feeling like shit because I'm being rejected both professionally and personally.  Help me stop feeling this way, PLEASE!

Dear Sweetie,

You need a little gentle love today, yes?  Here it is:  It's lovely that you are so kind-hearted and want to connect to people; it's such an enviable trait to those of us with cold, black hearts.  If the worst case scenario comes to be, you will be okay because you are true to yourself and like who you are which puts you miles ahead of the unemployed who question what their purpose and place in the world is.  Perhaps finding a job that suits your passion to connect to people and is encouraged by management is an option you should consider.  That is not an inditement of your current behavior, more of an errant thought.  Well, that's a lie. It really is more of a strong suggestion.  Consider that fact that I'm always right while you think about it.

You need a little tough love, too, I'm afraid.  I'll start by saying that nice only goes so far.  You have to be smart, as well, especially in business.  Buck up and stop trying to win this jackhole over.  To what end anyway?  Not everyone likes you.  Some people might even think you're a raging asshole or fake or annoying or stupid.  HE'S NOT A NICE GUY AND DOES NOT LIKE YOU  Keep repeating that to yourself.  Then remember that you're at work and not at a pool party.  For one thing, he's a dude.  He doesn't care when you don't feel good, or that your dog poo-ed all over the place in the middle of the night and made you late for work.  He might care if you tell him a few secret sex stories, but that's a risk I wouldn't take if I was you.  He's also your boss, not your Bear or Boo or Bestie.  Put up the partition and familiarize yourself with what's known as a business relationship.  Which is work-speak for I-don't-care-about-you-do-your-work-I-only-want-to-see-you-when-you're-sucking-up.  I get that this is hard for you and that it's killing you to not win him over, for him to not see the darling person that you are and not "get" that you're a good person and should be treated accordingly.  But you need to get that HE IS NOT A NICE GUY AND DOES NOT LIKE YOU.  None of your sunshiney fuckery matters to this cat.

Let's recap:  He's a dude and doesn't care about your personal life.  He's a boss and does not care that you're a nice person; he just wants you to work and maybe to fire you.  HE IS NOT A NICE GUY AND DOESN'T LIKE YOU.  I think that covers it.  Stop chasing him around like you're a dog and he's got a steak stapled to his neck.  He sucks and the more you don't get it, the closer you are to the ticket counter for a one-way pass to I-Suck-Too-Ville.

Now go be miserable at work like everyone else.  WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  FRANCE?  AMERICANS ARE SUPPOSED TO HATE THEIR JOBS!  IT'S REQUIRED BEFORE YOU CAN GET A GUN!!

I knew you were a happy commie.  Why do I bother?