Thursday, August 16, 2012

Her Boobs Are a Lie! A Lie I Say!

Dear Eve,

I have a really aggravating friend that I am ready to dump.  She has no idea who she really is.  She thinks she's smarter, funnier, more accomplished, skinnier and wait for it--says she has BIGGER BOOBS than she does.  She might be a c cup but she wears padded bras to make it look like DD's and brags about her chest.  WTF?  How weird is that?  We go out together all the time but I'm starting to hate being around her because she's so ridiculous. We all make jokes about her in front of her and she still doesn't get the hint. As smart as she thinks she is, you'd think that she'd know it and make some changes.

Should I put up with her crap (we do have history and she used to be cool) or is it time to move on from crazy?

Dear Aggravated,

One of the glorious advantages of being an adult is the ability to choose one's friends.  Exercise that right, now please, and end the friendship.  You don't have a nice thing to say about the poor girl so why keep pretending?  So you can show how cool you are by an exaggerated eye-roll when she mentions her MENSA membership?  or her Comedy Central "These are Double-D's" tour? or how she was able fit through her miniature dachshund's doggie door when she locked herself out because she's so thin? SHE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE AN EFFING WEINER DOG! you say to yourself as you're rolling on the floor convinced she's finally caused you to have a seizure (but really you're just a super-duper drama-llama). It's time to move forward and get into a mental space where you're not moved to apoplectic fits every time she opens her mouth.

Actually, all of you need to release Lil Tits back into the wild and stop using her as the group's punching bag.  She may keep you all from biting the ears off of each other, sure, but it's just not cool to be so mean.  Stop inviting her to go out with you, and if you happen to be in the same place at the same time, give her as little face time as possible.  In other words, give the friendship a peaceful death; don't shoot it in the face just to watch the blood splatter.

Then again, you could continue to be a major eye-rolling, passive-aggressive, snarky douchebag and make everyone hahaha at your cleverness when you publicly and painfully deride her.. Because that's what a good person does.  And doesn't everyone want to be a good person?


  1. Disappointing. This person needed your validation, and depended upon you to provide a zinger!

  2. I don't validate here.  You have to pay the whole price.  ::winks::fingershoots::holsters::