Sunday, June 29, 2014

You Done a Bad, Bad Thing

Dear Eve,

Is it wrong to snoop on my significant other's phone and computer?  Something is going on and my SO is not being honest with me about whatever it is. I just know it.  I have a lot invested in this relationship and don't want to be blindsided by bullshit.

Thanks,
Feeling Betrayed

Dear FB,

It is absolutely wrong and a disgusting violation of their privacy.  DO NOT DO IT.

Song of the Day




NB     Doing the right thing isn't always the best thing.  It is wrong to violate someone's privacy, but it's also wrong to fuck someone over by being a Lying Liar from Liarville.  Here's my criteria to justify being a total asshole/douchebag/scumball/fuckhead and start looking for dirt:

1)  Sudden and extreme behavior changes with evasive answers when questioned about obvious changes .  Sudden and extreme is shorthand for I-am-super-fucked-up-and-cannot-handle-whatever-mess-I've-gotten-myself-into, which could seriously damage whatever life you've built together. If you have children or the person has become abusive in any way and the weirdness is continuing for weeks, take my completely inappropriate advice and start digging like Mike Mulligan.

2)  The person has a history of fucking you over and you always believe their bullshit stories, you're tired of it and want out, but are too much of a pussy to just say, "I know you're lying.  I'm done." You feel like you have to have proof to justify ending it or getting counseling.  Whatever.  I have to say, this is the worst way to go about it.  YOU go to therapy, get a fucking backbone and learn to stop letting people walk over you.

3)  You have a sudden realization that your Uncle Fucker of a SO has been gaslighting you and, rightly, you snap.

4)  You are exhausted.  Your field of fucks is barren, as a plague of great fuckery has ascended upon you and your kin.  Your moral compass is so borked, at this point, you might as well be standing in the Blair Witch's basement.  You get a pass.  Call it ETI (Embraced Temporary Insanity) and feel no shame.  We love you.

You get NO PASS if you are a serial snooper because you feel entitled to know everything your SO is doing or your SO is decent folk and you know, deep down, you are an ass-butt.  You get NO PASS if you tend to think the worst of everyone while you know, deep down, that you are actually the worst.  You get NO PASS if you surround yourself with snoopers and cheaters and have started to think it's normal behavior in a relationship.  It is not.  If you aren't friends with any happy couples, change that.

Take a personal inventory and, if on a scale of 1 to Crazy-As-A-Shithouse-Rat, you feel strongly that you are not a member of the order Rondentia, trust your instincts to self-preserve and do what you need to do to get your house in order.  Everyone's an asshole sometimes.  Maybe today is your day!  LUCKY!!!

Actual Song of the Day

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Are Those Boy's Underpants?

Dear Eve,

Should I wear my husband's underwear?  This is a real question.  I am laundry-challenged.  He is not.  They fit me, are comfortable, and don't give me wedgies, and I cannot comfortably go commando. I have never left him without any unders.  I am not heartless.

He hates it and it creeps him out.  In my defense, I don't do it often and I like to creep him out.

What do you think?

Sincerely,
Chubby Gal

Dear Chubby,

Let's see.

1)  They are not your underwear,
2)  You are too lazy to get yours to the laundry room, and
3)  It skeeves out your husband, who must be a lovely man...

By all means, CONTINUE!  If you can't creep out your husband, who can you creep out, besides your girlfriends, children, and strangers?  It's just a pair of man-panties.  It's not like you borrow his jock-strap, right?  There was this time, after Number 2 was born, that I probably needed to borrow Husbear's but didn't.  Parts of me still regret it.....just hang there and regret it.  Oh well!

Sorry, Chubby's hubby!  You married a resourceful woman who is comfortable doing what she needs to do to get by.  Plus, I can only assume she let's you stick your penis in her, so she pretty much gets to do what she wants. :)

Song of the Day










Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Your Bitch is So Cute! Do You Have Daycare Yet?

Dear Eve Stevens,

I've reached an impasse with some dear friends on the issue of pets. Simply, these friends are "pets are EXACTLY THE SAME AS human children" people, while I contend "aw HELL no, they're not!" While I don't doubt that pets may give someone the sense of companionship that children may, to claim that pets are the same as children in ludicrous. Can you leave a child in a crate with some water during your workday? Can you go on a weekend trip and just leave a litter box and some food for them? Do you have to train pets how to ride bikes, talk them through their disasttrous first loves, or worry how you'll send them to college? NO. Yet these friends of mine, rather smugly, maintain that their dogs are no different from human children. Since I've had both pets and now a child, I feel a little more informed on the subject than are they, so it's not just an ideological argument. But whenever the subject of pets comes up, out they roll the child-claims, and I have to leave the room. Again, while people (who have or haven't had the experience of raising human children) may justifiably claim an emotional status comparable to raising children, the actual claim in reality is false and groundless--the responsibilities are completely different, and if it came down to having to choose between saving a dog and saving a human child, shouldn't the choice be clear? Where do you weigh in on this, and what do you suggest for the next time this issue comes a-running?

Yours, 
Kennel Generation


Dear KG, I will tell you a quick story. Once, just once, I decided to argue with a stranger on the internet (that is such a lie). This person (who I can only assume was fake because isn't everyone fake on the internet?) maintained, quite vehemently that she (in her early 20's) knew what it was like to be a mother (YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH) because she was responsible, mostly, for raising her younger siblings. There was no argument I could put out that couldn't be refuted because, because, because.... She did have points, but she did not have experience. Now that she has babies of her own (real or fake I can't be sure), I am sure she would argue against her younger self because that's how it works. She is on the other side now, so she knows.

In defense of pet parents, I do know some who are better to their pet babies than many human parents are to their human babies. Many fully vested pet parents do take their "babies" to day-care, worry about their love-lives and how they will care for them as they grow older. And although worrying about paying for dialysis for your 20 year old cat is not exactly saving for 8 years of college, a lot of people-parents "send" their kids to college by throwing a lot of student loan apps in their kids' laps. I have met (IRL even!!!) parents of human children who feel no obligation to do anything with their kids other than feed, clothe, and shelter them. They don't hug, encourage, or really engage with them any more than they have to and those parents, in their minds, are doing a-okay: The kids are alive! They (the kids or parents) aren't murderizing anyone! CPS hasn't been called! Well, once, but the teacher needed to mind her own fucking business! (Actually, these parents are dead inside and do not use exclamation points. I apologize for taking this liberty for emPHAsis.) That said, I do agree with you. It is different. You are potentially raising someone who can physically alter the entire world with just his or her mind and not even the smartest, sweetest fur baby can do that yet. You are raising a voter and, potentially, a criminal, a procreator of our species, an atom splitter, a middle manager, a naked rugby player, the anti-Christ, or someone that posts inspirational quotes all fucking day long the Facebook! Your job is different. How you parent will change the future of our species in some way or other. Pet parents, of that responsibility, you are free. On the other hand, I have to ask: why are you so het up about this? So what if someone wants to argue that it's the same? It doesn't take away the truth that you know and it doesn't make them terrible people for adoring their fur friends. It's like arguing with someone who has never been to Paris but swears New York is better. Yes, they are ignorant and sound like children, but you've been to Paris and they haven't so FUCK THEM! Your life is complete and they've never had cheese or bread that made them pass out from the just the smell. YOU ARE WINNING, MOTHERFUCKER. LET IT GO. Song of the Day



Thursday, June 5, 2014

You Wrote This, Didn't You?

Dear Eve,

OMG! I totally just got verbally cunt-punted today! This crazy "mother" (and I use quotes because I can't even!) confronted me about a social situation with our kids.  Anyway, so I'm minding my business, looking super-cute and super-healthy because I never let myself go after having kids, and this person has the nerve to talk to me about leaving her kid out of a FAMILY PLANNED outing.  I mean, we did invite everyone else in the class, but WTF?  My kid gets to choose who is invited and who isn't to their own event.  I can't make him like EVERYBODY, right?  I'm not being mean, but this kid doesn't exactly "fit in" so it's not like they're used to be invited to things anyway.  This kid is LITERALLY so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING I swear everyone would shoot themselves if they were there.

So, I am like so Zen as I calmly try to explain to this psycho that it's none of her business what my family does AND I added, for good measure, that she's a freak anyway because who actually talks about this shit face to face?  Isn't that what Facebook is for?

BTW, I can't wait for my kid to go Greek.  It's going to be a long decade, but we're going to train hard to fit in and do ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.  MY kid is NOT going to be a LOSER.

Just had to vent.

Signed,
I'm From Maryland and We Say Cunt-Punt
Go Delta Gamma!
Crabs! (Do you have hard-shells?)

Dear  Maryland,

I hate to say this (LIE!), but you make Baby Cthulhu cry.  Nobody with a heart or sense leaves a child out of a group event when everyone else in the class is invited.  In America, we call that being Mean-Spirited™ or, since you're in Maryland, CUNTY ™ is a nice fit.  Use the sense your momma gave you and repeat after me: When my child wants to do something that could hurt another child's feelings and I can step in and guide them to make a better choice, I WILL.  I will do this because I am not an asshole.  Was that so hard?

The good thing is that children who don't "fit in" (bad use of quotes but I'll follow your lead) are usually fabulously resilient and have no interest in playing the Reindeer Games of their peers.  Kids that don't fit in don't change who they are because they don't get invited to parties. Kids that don't fit in are usually sensitive, interesting, and end up kicking Life's ass.  Isn't that wonderful?  Who wouldn't want their child to march to the beat of their own full-metal marching band?  These are the kids that change the world.  I guarantee you your child's life is less interesting and vibrant for not having a few friends that are round pegs in this square-holed world.

In summary, you fucked up.  It's okay, though.  All parents do.  I'm sure you will make this right by not being such a judgey, self-righteous, unkind flap-badger in the future because, after all, you are a WINNER.

Then again, if said child is a meth addict, has stolen from you, is violent, a draft-dodger, commie sympathizer (JK LOL), a junior stripper (NEVER TRUST A STRIPPER UNDER 18), or cheats on their taxes, I take it all back.  You did the right thing!  That lady is terrible and so is her child! Totally talk about her behind her back, 'kay, and make sure the kid feels really, really bad about taking up space in the universe, 'cause, you know, it's your universe.  We just live in it. 

Go TRI-LAMBS!

song of the day