Sunday, June 29, 2014

You Done a Bad, Bad Thing

Dear Eve,

Is it wrong to snoop on my significant other's phone and computer?  Something is going on and my SO is not being honest with me about whatever it is. I just know it.  I have a lot invested in this relationship and don't want to be blindsided by bullshit.

Feeling Betrayed

Dear FB,

It is absolutely wrong and a disgusting violation of their privacy.  DO NOT DO IT.

Song of the Day

NB     Doing the right thing isn't always the best thing.  It is wrong to violate someone's privacy, but it's also wrong to fuck someone over by being a Lying Liar from Liarville.  Here's my criteria to justify being a total asshole/douchebag/scumball/fuckhead and start looking for dirt:

1)  Sudden and extreme behavior changes with evasive answers when questioned about obvious changes .  Sudden and extreme is shorthand for I-am-super-fucked-up-and-cannot-handle-whatever-mess-I've-gotten-myself-into, which could seriously damage whatever life you've built together. If you have children or the person has become abusive in any way and the weirdness is continuing for weeks, take my completely inappropriate advice and start digging like Mike Mulligan.

2)  The person has a history of fucking you over and you always believe their bullshit stories, you're tired of it and want out, but are too much of a pussy to just say, "I know you're lying.  I'm done." You feel like you have to have proof to justify ending it or getting counseling.  Whatever.  I have to say, this is the worst way to go about it.  YOU go to therapy, get a fucking backbone and learn to stop letting people walk over you.

3)  You have a sudden realization that your Uncle Fucker of a SO has been gaslighting you and, rightly, you snap.

4)  You are exhausted.  Your field of fucks is barren, as a plague of great fuckery has ascended upon you and your kin.  Your moral compass is so borked, at this point, you might as well be standing in the Blair Witch's basement.  You get a pass.  Call it ETI (Embraced Temporary Insanity) and feel no shame.  We love you.

You get NO PASS if you are a serial snooper because you feel entitled to know everything your SO is doing or your SO is decent folk and you know, deep down, you are an ass-butt.  You get NO PASS if you tend to think the worst of everyone while you know, deep down, that you are actually the worst.  You get NO PASS if you surround yourself with snoopers and cheaters and have started to think it's normal behavior in a relationship.  It is not.  If you aren't friends with any happy couples, change that.

Take a personal inventory and, if on a scale of 1 to Crazy-As-A-Shithouse-Rat, you feel strongly that you are not a member of the order Rondentia, trust your instincts to self-preserve and do what you need to do to get your house in order.  Everyone's an asshole sometimes.  Maybe today is your day!  LUCKY!!!

Actual Song of the Day

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