Thursday, June 5, 2014

You Wrote This, Didn't You?

Dear Eve,

OMG! I totally just got verbally cunt-punted today! This crazy "mother" (and I use quotes because I can't even!) confronted me about a social situation with our kids.  Anyway, so I'm minding my business, looking super-cute and super-healthy because I never let myself go after having kids, and this person has the nerve to talk to me about leaving her kid out of a FAMILY PLANNED outing.  I mean, we did invite everyone else in the class, but WTF?  My kid gets to choose who is invited and who isn't to their own event.  I can't make him like EVERYBODY, right?  I'm not being mean, but this kid doesn't exactly "fit in" so it's not like they're used to be invited to things anyway.  This kid is LITERALLY so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING I swear everyone would shoot themselves if they were there.

So, I am like so Zen as I calmly try to explain to this psycho that it's none of her business what my family does AND I added, for good measure, that she's a freak anyway because who actually talks about this shit face to face?  Isn't that what Facebook is for?

BTW, I can't wait for my kid to go Greek.  It's going to be a long decade, but we're going to train hard to fit in and do ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.  MY kid is NOT going to be a LOSER.

Just had to vent.

I'm From Maryland and We Say Cunt-Punt
Go Delta Gamma!
Crabs! (Do you have hard-shells?)

Dear  Maryland,

I hate to say this (LIE!), but you make Baby Cthulhu cry.  Nobody with a heart or sense leaves a child out of a group event when everyone else in the class is invited.  In America, we call that being Mean-Spirited™ or, since you're in Maryland, CUNTY ™ is a nice fit.  Use the sense your momma gave you and repeat after me: When my child wants to do something that could hurt another child's feelings and I can step in and guide them to make a better choice, I WILL.  I will do this because I am not an asshole.  Was that so hard?

The good thing is that children who don't "fit in" (bad use of quotes but I'll follow your lead) are usually fabulously resilient and have no interest in playing the Reindeer Games of their peers.  Kids that don't fit in don't change who they are because they don't get invited to parties. Kids that don't fit in are usually sensitive, interesting, and end up kicking Life's ass.  Isn't that wonderful?  Who wouldn't want their child to march to the beat of their own full-metal marching band?  These are the kids that change the world.  I guarantee you your child's life is less interesting and vibrant for not having a few friends that are round pegs in this square-holed world.

In summary, you fucked up.  It's okay, though.  All parents do.  I'm sure you will make this right by not being such a judgey, self-righteous, unkind flap-badger in the future because, after all, you are a WINNER.

Then again, if said child is a meth addict, has stolen from you, is violent, a draft-dodger, commie sympathizer (JK LOL), a junior stripper (NEVER TRUST A STRIPPER UNDER 18), or cheats on their taxes, I take it all back.  You did the right thing!  That lady is terrible and so is her child! Totally talk about her behind her back, 'kay, and make sure the kid feels really, really bad about taking up space in the universe, 'cause, you know, it's your universe.  We just live in it. 


song of the day


  1. HAHAHAAH....I love this.

  2. Glad it gave you a laugh! Marylanders. SMH.