Sunday, August 31, 2014

You're Gonna Wind Up Eating a Steady Diet of Gov'ment Cheese, Kid

Dear Eve,

I am worried about a friend. He is getting a little out of control with his drinking and I can see how depressed he is under his 'everything is cool' exterior. I know he is under a lot of pressure with work issues, kids still at home, money stuff, but he does have a supportive wife and they look very happy.  I don't want to cross any boundaries and assume bad stuff is happening for him depression-wise, but he has been slowly amping up his drinking (and maybe rx pills? I think so, but I don't know for sure) over the past year and I can't help but worry. We've been friends for a long time, but there is some kind of code with guys where they clam up if you get real.

IDK. I'm afraid that he is going to wreck his life and I'm going to have to witness it and I don't want to kick myself for not saying something when I should have.

When do you stick your nose in other people's business?

Thanks in advance,
A Friend

Dear Friend,

I stick my nose in other people's business all the time. It's my job!

When should you?

Online Graphing

If I think there is some underlying depression, shady shit going on or other concerning behavior, I'm going in strong at 400, possibly 300 if they are showing signs of remorse for craptacular things they did while under the influence.  But from 400 on, it gets a little shady. You're a crappy friend if you don't say something. I lost a friend once because I didn't get on him for his drinking. He took it as a sign I didn't care. I thought he was trying on a Bukowski persona and didn't think it was my place to intervene with his life/art. I was also young and stupid. As a grown-ass woman, I have lost friends because I stopped drinking and they took it as a personal judgement of their own life choices. That sucked like elephantiasis of the labia. I'm still sad about losing them. The point is, there could be consequences that aren't going to thrill you if you keep your pie-hole closed or let your feelings fly.

Graph-wise, from 400 up you're kind of a pussy if you don't say something. That shit is not good, no matter how you frame it. We laugh off the shenanigans of our friends, and a hittin' life a little hard during times of turmoil can happen with little damage done, sometimes, but when months or years start adding up, you need to push out your tits, lift up that double chin and say, "I care about you too much to not say something about this shit."

There are a lot of alternatives to not doing that. 1) Nothing could happen. Your friend slows down and things go back to normal, 2) Things get worse but he's still making it work. You watch horrified from the sidelines and slowly distance yourself for self-preservation's sake and forget you know him, or 3) The sonofabitch accidentally OD's, or murders a bunch of people with his car, or loses his family/job/home or some combination of the three. That could happen, right?

So where is your comfort level, Friend? What are you willing to risk to show you care? If you lose them for saying something, respectfully and out of genuine concern, that shit will hurt but they will know someone has noticed and you will know that you have done them a kindness, one that I believe they are secretly wanting, whether they are willing to change now or not. The alternative is not really an option, unless "A Friend" is really an alias for "Shit Stirrer" or "Asshole".

Be the one to be brave enough to say something. Who knows? You may be the catalyst for them to become an awesome motivational speaker! You could be the wind beneath their wings! You could also be despised, but I've been despised A LOT, and meh, it's not so bad. Not as bad as government cheese, and definitely better than being a coward.

Song of the Day

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

You're Disloyal...But *I* Like Your Spots

Dear Eve,

I want to take a lover but I have a long-term partner. We have a wonderful relationship and family life but do not share the same sexual interests. We've tried therapy, compromises, talking it out, and there is no way to reconcile our very different sexual appetites and desires, which have d/evolved over time, and there is no interest at all in an open relationship on my partner's end. My SO is very happy with the way things are.

In a perfect world, I would like a platonic sex partner on the side that meets my needs and still keep my family intact, happy, and in the dark.  I would be safe and discreet.  

I know this makes me sound like a terrible person but I want to experience, just once, a great, fulfilling sexual relationship before I die.  I feel partly dead inside because this very important part of my personality is not even being acknowledged.  

Just writing this makes me feel like shit.  

Is an affair ever justified?

Sexually Depressed

Dear Sexually Depressed,

Justified? No. Never.

You get out if you're not happy or you make it work and suck it up because you did some sort of better or worse promise before you had any inkling of what that entailed. Some people get a partner who develops a chronic illness who can no longer have sex. Some have to live apart for long periods of time when life gets messy with jobs and family. They are still in love but not being sexually fulfilled. Are they justified in taking a lover? I don't think so.

Usually this kind of bullshit question makes me mad. Oh, sorry about your great family, partner and life. Poor you! Go find some decent porn and get over yourself!

But you said something that made me think. 

I DO think that everyone deserves AT LEAST ONE mind-blowing sexual experience/affair/lover.  That you've not found it in your chosen partner is a sadness. It's hard to bend sexual proclivities. Just as you don't share your partner's desires and can't change that, neither can they. Some couples are able to meet in the middle (bully for them!) but it's my experience that most don't and one or more is unsatisfied in these situations. Your question has given me the mean reds! What if you're in your 50's and are looking at 30 more years of being sexually unsatisfied? It sounds cruel!

Marrying, or making a life-long dedication to someone, is a gift to yourself and the other person: it's beautiful, terrifying, satisfying, safe, awful, extremely hard, and worth every struggle because it means that you always have someone that has your back, is on your side and LOVES YOU (hopefully) UNCONDITIONALLY. You are still two separate human beings, though, and humans are so tirelessly complicated and needy that I don't think there is a definitive yes/no answer to your question.  Don't we all deserve to feel loved and accepted in ALL ways?  I know I want to, and I'm just your regular super-sexy radiator of love, wanting to bring the world to my ample bosom and make it all better for them, or kick their ass, or both. I would feel quite bereft if my partner didn't meet my needs. I imagine that it is a very lonely life, in its own way.

Is it justified? No. Is it sometimes understandable? I'd say, with reservations, yes. For some people sex is sex. For others sex is more like S E X! S E X! S E X!  If you are in the latter group, I feel for you, really I do. Just know if you are going to join the pack of low-down dirty dogs and tramp around, you are potentially ruining one or more families,  you may find the guilt afterward overwhelming as well as extremely depressing, and you could potentially pick another partner that doesn't meet your needs,  winding up sexually unfulfilled and a cheater. That would significantly suck. Then do you "try on" someone else for size? Then another if that one poops out, too?

At this point, I would just wait for a sign from the universe.  You know, if your partner dies in a fiery crash, get's pulled up in the Rapture, is Disappeared, or gets abducted by aliens you are getting a big fucking thumbs up from Life! However, if they keep coming home, respecting you, loving you the best way they can, and lift you up when you're at your worst, keep your genitals at home, safe, where they can do no harm.

Then again, you could just do it and it could be magical and fulfill all your erotic fantasies, your partner none the wiser, your itch scratched, and when you lay down at 93 to breath your last breath, you can do it with a smile on your lips, having no regrets in life. Or it could blow up in your face. There is no Immaculate Herpes. Come home with that and you just may find yourself alone, poor, and living in your sister's basement, wishing you had a little more self-control and enough cash for your Valtrex prescription. In this instance, when you die an early death, you will have regrets: weeping, oozing ones.

I do feel for you, babe. Life is hard. Be happy that not getting off is your biggest problem. Seriously! There are people out there that can't eat GLUTEN! Now that's a fucking tragedy. Besides, no one lives forever except Keith Richards.  You always have dying to look forward to and, as far as I know, S E X! is not a high priority for corpses.

Song of the Day
Just Break Out the Booze


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Are You a Vulvatarian?

Dear Eve,

There's chicken and fish stuffed with crab meat at my local big box store.  I looked at it today and all I could think of is how pornographic they looked. Truly, packaged vaginas.  What does that say about me?

Closet pervert?

Dear CP,

You have come to the right place! First of all, I am the proud founder of the Vulva Liberation Front (message me to start a local chapter!).  It is our core mission to educate the public about the difference between the vagina (the inside canal of the female reproductive system) and the vulva (the outside, squishy, traditionally hairy part).  I can only imagine that you are seeing the Mystical and Mighty Vulva in those meat products.  The vag gets the glory, but it's really the vulva that's working it, looking lovely, and attracting all our attention.  That distinction made, are you, indeed, a pervert?

You are human (assuming here, but hoping maybe you are a dolphin that has met his or her full potential?) so therefore you think about sex, probably a lot.  Some of us repress it better than others, but it eventually seeps through the cracks of our psyches outing genitalia likenesses in everyday items, food or otherwise, and wreaking havoc on our daydreams about acupuncturists, educators, nail-bangers, and so on and so on.  You, you beautiful weirdo, are seeing Lady Gardens in the meat section of a soul-stealing mega-store so I surmise that you laud the Triangle of Madness as much as R. Kelly or maybe even k.d. lang.  If you are the proud owner of a Heart-shaped Box, then perhaps you just have a little Geogia O'Keefe in you.  If you are not blessed with a Devourer of Souls and find yourself seeing the Happy Valley in burnt toast or coffee stains, then that's okay, too.  What's not to love?  It's warm, soft, and truly a pillow of delight!  If loving the Flower of Power is wrong, I don't want to be right!

My advice is to delight in the vulvish shapes you find in the wild.  Share your finds with the world because, if I know anything, the world loves a vulva!  Please, though, don't forget our friends the penis and scrotum.  Male genitalia are given a bad rap.  Find the beauty in the pillars and stones!  Next time you pass the banana section at the store, try to fondly remember that first sad handjob you participated in.  Smile at the string bean, before you snap off it's head.  Feel the heft of the orange in the palm of your hand before ripping it open and devouring it's juicy awesomeness.

Join me and my fellow Vulvatarians!  The liberation has begun!  But like any movement, we can't go all the way with out our brothers by our sides, dangling proudly, so vulnerable yet unafraid to go sticking their heads into dark corners, fighting the good fight, one solid poke at a time.

Let us love all human parts, outside and in.  When we don't, the Cosmo-nists win.

Vive vos parties et les parties de vos camarades! 

Song of the Day
Song of the Day, Deuces Wild
Can You Find Your Vulva?

Monday, August 4, 2014

BFFL? But Only If You Can Get Me Into Peggy Sue's Make-Out Party

Dear Eve,

I feel like I'm in high school writing this, but I am lonely and desperate.  

I want more friends. I don't want to come off as needy and freaky, but I don't know how to put myself out anymore than I already am.  I am married, happily, and have kids so most of the women I know are the moms of my kid's friends.  There are a few that I want to be closer with but I don't get invited to things regularly even though I repeatedly remind them that I'd love to hang out.  It's frustrating!

What do I do?  I feel like I'm eating lunch alone in the cafeteria everyday.

(Hopefully Not) Forever Alone

Dear FA,

Oh dear, my sweet lady! If wanting friends makes a person needy and freaky, then I guess you've got a fellow needy freak in me.  For instance, I currently have my eye on a lady and she has not quite bought into the whole {{{{me}}}} package.  I'm cool with it.  Like Squints in _The Sandlot_, I will wait for my Wendy Peffercorn.  And just like in the movie, eventually she will succumb to my charms and adore me as I do her.  I know this, so it doesn't make me sad that she gives me wicked side-eye or cringes in my presence; one day she will give me a BE FRI necklace and we will cackle together on my front porch, remembering the days when we gave a shit about dumb things.

My reaction was not always this zen (such a colossal understatement).  I have flailed over many a lady (and man), dissecting conversations and body language, half-stalking, full-stalking, been a simpering fool....  Oh, I have chased and failed!  Eventually, I got happier and healthier and learned a few things.

1)  Finding a friend-match is really a love-match.  If you aren't your authentic self, you might as well blow out the pilot light, jack up the gas, and stick your head in that gas stove you're calling a relationship.
2)  Play it cool.  Maybe you are needy.  Maybe you are annoying.  Do you want to be friends with needy and annoying people?  Probably not.  Start some self-fixin' if you are.
3)  Who are these fuckers you're chasing after?  Are they worth it?  Really.  Are they? Sometimes we want to be friends with people for the wrong reasons and that's why it doesn't work out.  When it comes to school-mom friends, it's tricky like it is with work friends.  You are just random people with one topical thing in common.  Why should any of them be a match for you?  The odds that you're going to find someone you have a lot in common with are slim.   Accept that.
4)  Be brutally honest with yourself about why you want to be friends with these ladies.  All the boys I chased in school, all my unrequited loves (you Beaver O'er Achievers know who you are), all my crash-and-burn lady-crushes, had one thing in common: I really didn't "love" them.  I loved what I thought they could give me.  I didn't really know them. I imagined who they were.  I didn't think about what I could give them or if we were a good match.  I just knew I wanted what they had.
5)  Stop stalking the Oooh! Shiny! people and widen your scope of who a potential friend may be.  If the current herd you're hunting isn't eating your corn, maybe it's time to look in another field.  Rejection is Bob's protection.

If you squat and let loose on all of these suggestions out of hand, you probably have some problems.  Totally serious.  I'm not going to say you're crazier than a Tea Partier in an election year, but you might want to ask people you trust if there are things you could be working on to make your life easier.  Hopefully, they won't be pussies and will tell you the truth.  After all, you are a grown woman who doesn't seem to know when you are being rejected.  I know that hurts, but hurts heal.  Lies fester.

And by the way, you will not be Forever Alone.  Even if you don't take my hard-earned, excellent advice, you'll find somebody.  Hopefully, you'll luck out and you'll ride off into the sunset with a lovely Thelma to your Louise.  More than likely, though, if you stay desperate, some mom will snatch you up to pawn off thankless, mindless, tedious, soul-killing school projects that she doesn't want to do but agreed to knowing that some rube would do it for her.  That's the way the bitches play in the big leagues.  You sure you still want to go The Big Show?  Fuck that.  Fuck her.  Fuck it all and just be yourself.

Song of the Day
Song of the Week