Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Are You a Vulvatarian?

Dear Eve,

There's chicken and fish stuffed with crab meat at my local big box store.  I looked at it today and all I could think of is how pornographic they looked. Truly, packaged vaginas.  What does that say about me?

Closet pervert?

Dear CP,

You have come to the right place! First of all, I am the proud founder of the Vulva Liberation Front (message me to start a local chapter!).  It is our core mission to educate the public about the difference between the vagina (the inside canal of the female reproductive system) and the vulva (the outside, squishy, traditionally hairy part).  I can only imagine that you are seeing the Mystical and Mighty Vulva in those meat products.  The vag gets the glory, but it's really the vulva that's working it, looking lovely, and attracting all our attention.  That distinction made, are you, indeed, a pervert?

You are human (assuming here, but hoping maybe you are a dolphin that has met his or her full potential?) so therefore you think about sex, probably a lot.  Some of us repress it better than others, but it eventually seeps through the cracks of our psyches outing genitalia likenesses in everyday items, food or otherwise, and wreaking havoc on our daydreams about acupuncturists, educators, nail-bangers, and so on and so on.  You, you beautiful weirdo, are seeing Lady Gardens in the meat section of a soul-stealing mega-store so I surmise that you laud the Triangle of Madness as much as R. Kelly or maybe even k.d. lang.  If you are the proud owner of a Heart-shaped Box, then perhaps you just have a little Geogia O'Keefe in you.  If you are not blessed with a Devourer of Souls and find yourself seeing the Happy Valley in burnt toast or coffee stains, then that's okay, too.  What's not to love?  It's warm, soft, and truly a pillow of delight!  If loving the Flower of Power is wrong, I don't want to be right!

My advice is to delight in the vulvish shapes you find in the wild.  Share your finds with the world because, if I know anything, the world loves a vulva!  Please, though, don't forget our friends the penis and scrotum.  Male genitalia are given a bad rap.  Find the beauty in the pillars and stones!  Next time you pass the banana section at the store, try to fondly remember that first sad handjob you participated in.  Smile at the string bean, before you snap off it's head.  Feel the heft of the orange in the palm of your hand before ripping it open and devouring it's juicy awesomeness.

Join me and my fellow Vulvatarians!  The liberation has begun!  But like any movement, we can't go all the way with out our brothers by our sides, dangling proudly, so vulnerable yet unafraid to go sticking their heads into dark corners, fighting the good fight, one solid poke at a time.

Let us love all human parts, outside and in.  When we don't, the Cosmo-nists win.

Vive vos parties et les parties de vos camarades! 

Song of the Day
Song of the Day, Deuces Wild
Can You Find Your Vulva?


  1. Awesome! And you know what? It's always bothered me that vagina has become the new word for vulva..although I will admit to succumbing and referring to it as vagina myself.

  2. It's a travesty and not unlike "literally" debacle. The fact that "literally" is now literally defined, thought secondarily, as being an acceptable replacement for "figuratively" makes my brain bleed.

  3. That one drives my 16 yo son insane...and he hears it all the time

  4. Well, taint this special? Women are amazing. Don't rent the vulva, girls. Own it.