Monday, August 4, 2014

BFFL? But Only If You Can Get Me Into Peggy Sue's Make-Out Party

Dear Eve,

I feel like I'm in high school writing this, but I am lonely and desperate.  

I want more friends. I don't want to come off as needy and freaky, but I don't know how to put myself out anymore than I already am.  I am married, happily, and have kids so most of the women I know are the moms of my kid's friends.  There are a few that I want to be closer with but I don't get invited to things regularly even though I repeatedly remind them that I'd love to hang out.  It's frustrating!

What do I do?  I feel like I'm eating lunch alone in the cafeteria everyday.

(Hopefully Not) Forever Alone

Dear FA,

Oh dear, my sweet lady! If wanting friends makes a person needy and freaky, then I guess you've got a fellow needy freak in me.  For instance, I currently have my eye on a lady and she has not quite bought into the whole {{{{me}}}} package.  I'm cool with it.  Like Squints in _The Sandlot_, I will wait for my Wendy Peffercorn.  And just like in the movie, eventually she will succumb to my charms and adore me as I do her.  I know this, so it doesn't make me sad that she gives me wicked side-eye or cringes in my presence; one day she will give me a BE FRI necklace and we will cackle together on my front porch, remembering the days when we gave a shit about dumb things.

My reaction was not always this zen (such a colossal understatement).  I have flailed over many a lady (and man), dissecting conversations and body language, half-stalking, full-stalking, been a simpering fool....  Oh, I have chased and failed!  Eventually, I got happier and healthier and learned a few things.

1)  Finding a friend-match is really a love-match.  If you aren't your authentic self, you might as well blow out the pilot light, jack up the gas, and stick your head in that gas stove you're calling a relationship.
2)  Play it cool.  Maybe you are needy.  Maybe you are annoying.  Do you want to be friends with needy and annoying people?  Probably not.  Start some self-fixin' if you are.
3)  Who are these fuckers you're chasing after?  Are they worth it?  Really.  Are they? Sometimes we want to be friends with people for the wrong reasons and that's why it doesn't work out.  When it comes to school-mom friends, it's tricky like it is with work friends.  You are just random people with one topical thing in common.  Why should any of them be a match for you?  The odds that you're going to find someone you have a lot in common with are slim.   Accept that.
4)  Be brutally honest with yourself about why you want to be friends with these ladies.  All the boys I chased in school, all my unrequited loves (you Beaver O'er Achievers know who you are), all my crash-and-burn lady-crushes, had one thing in common: I really didn't "love" them.  I loved what I thought they could give me.  I didn't really know them. I imagined who they were.  I didn't think about what I could give them or if we were a good match.  I just knew I wanted what they had.
5)  Stop stalking the Oooh! Shiny! people and widen your scope of who a potential friend may be.  If the current herd you're hunting isn't eating your corn, maybe it's time to look in another field.  Rejection is Bob's protection.

If you squat and let loose on all of these suggestions out of hand, you probably have some problems.  Totally serious.  I'm not going to say you're crazier than a Tea Partier in an election year, but you might want to ask people you trust if there are things you could be working on to make your life easier.  Hopefully, they won't be pussies and will tell you the truth.  After all, you are a grown woman who doesn't seem to know when you are being rejected.  I know that hurts, but hurts heal.  Lies fester.

And by the way, you will not be Forever Alone.  Even if you don't take my hard-earned, excellent advice, you'll find somebody.  Hopefully, you'll luck out and you'll ride off into the sunset with a lovely Thelma to your Louise.  More than likely, though, if you stay desperate, some mom will snatch you up to pawn off thankless, mindless, tedious, soul-killing school projects that she doesn't want to do but agreed to knowing that some rube would do it for her.  That's the way the bitches play in the big leagues.  You sure you still want to go The Big Show?  Fuck that.  Fuck her.  Fuck it all and just be yourself.

Song of the Day
Song of the Week


  1. As always, Eve, you are the wisest of the lollipop crunching owls!

  2. Why thank you m'lady. I do try. Have a ST END necklace you're not using, by any chance?

  3. Mmmmhmmm. Go 'head with that truth, Eve. That is soul food.

  4. Niiice! Thanks! If I start sprouting bullshit, you better call me on it.