Wednesday, August 27, 2014

You're Disloyal...But *I* Like Your Spots

Dear Eve,

I want to take a lover but I have a long-term partner. We have a wonderful relationship and family life but do not share the same sexual interests. We've tried therapy, compromises, talking it out, and there is no way to reconcile our very different sexual appetites and desires, which have d/evolved over time, and there is no interest at all in an open relationship on my partner's end. My SO is very happy with the way things are.

In a perfect world, I would like a platonic sex partner on the side that meets my needs and still keep my family intact, happy, and in the dark.  I would be safe and discreet.  

I know this makes me sound like a terrible person but I want to experience, just once, a great, fulfilling sexual relationship before I die.  I feel partly dead inside because this very important part of my personality is not even being acknowledged.  

Just writing this makes me feel like shit.  

Is an affair ever justified?

Sexually Depressed

Dear Sexually Depressed,

Justified? No. Never.

You get out if you're not happy or you make it work and suck it up because you did some sort of better or worse promise before you had any inkling of what that entailed. Some people get a partner who develops a chronic illness who can no longer have sex. Some have to live apart for long periods of time when life gets messy with jobs and family. They are still in love but not being sexually fulfilled. Are they justified in taking a lover? I don't think so.

Usually this kind of bullshit question makes me mad. Oh, sorry about your great family, partner and life. Poor you! Go find some decent porn and get over yourself!

But you said something that made me think. 

I DO think that everyone deserves AT LEAST ONE mind-blowing sexual experience/affair/lover.  That you've not found it in your chosen partner is a sadness. It's hard to bend sexual proclivities. Just as you don't share your partner's desires and can't change that, neither can they. Some couples are able to meet in the middle (bully for them!) but it's my experience that most don't and one or more is unsatisfied in these situations. Your question has given me the mean reds! What if you're in your 50's and are looking at 30 more years of being sexually unsatisfied? It sounds cruel!

Marrying, or making a life-long dedication to someone, is a gift to yourself and the other person: it's beautiful, terrifying, satisfying, safe, awful, extremely hard, and worth every struggle because it means that you always have someone that has your back, is on your side and LOVES YOU (hopefully) UNCONDITIONALLY. You are still two separate human beings, though, and humans are so tirelessly complicated and needy that I don't think there is a definitive yes/no answer to your question.  Don't we all deserve to feel loved and accepted in ALL ways?  I know I want to, and I'm just your regular super-sexy radiator of love, wanting to bring the world to my ample bosom and make it all better for them, or kick their ass, or both. I would feel quite bereft if my partner didn't meet my needs. I imagine that it is a very lonely life, in its own way.

Is it justified? No. Is it sometimes understandable? I'd say, with reservations, yes. For some people sex is sex. For others sex is more like S E X! S E X! S E X!  If you are in the latter group, I feel for you, really I do. Just know if you are going to join the pack of low-down dirty dogs and tramp around, you are potentially ruining one or more families,  you may find the guilt afterward overwhelming as well as extremely depressing, and you could potentially pick another partner that doesn't meet your needs,  winding up sexually unfulfilled and a cheater. That would significantly suck. Then do you "try on" someone else for size? Then another if that one poops out, too?

At this point, I would just wait for a sign from the universe.  You know, if your partner dies in a fiery crash, get's pulled up in the Rapture, is Disappeared, or gets abducted by aliens you are getting a big fucking thumbs up from Life! However, if they keep coming home, respecting you, loving you the best way they can, and lift you up when you're at your worst, keep your genitals at home, safe, where they can do no harm.

Then again, you could just do it and it could be magical and fulfill all your erotic fantasies, your partner none the wiser, your itch scratched, and when you lay down at 93 to breath your last breath, you can do it with a smile on your lips, having no regrets in life. Or it could blow up in your face. There is no Immaculate Herpes. Come home with that and you just may find yourself alone, poor, and living in your sister's basement, wishing you had a little more self-control and enough cash for your Valtrex prescription. In this instance, when you die an early death, you will have regrets: weeping, oozing ones.

I do feel for you, babe. Life is hard. Be happy that not getting off is your biggest problem. Seriously! There are people out there that can't eat GLUTEN! Now that's a fucking tragedy. Besides, no one lives forever except Keith Richards.  You always have dying to look forward to and, as far as I know, S E X! is not a high priority for corpses.

Song of the Day
Just Break Out the Booze



  1. Great advice! Keith Richards...HAHAHAHA

  2. Thanks! KR FOREVER! Literally.


  3. Great advice, I am sure nobody wants weeping oozing regrets