Saturday, February 14, 2015

Valentine! How I Love Thee! Then There's the Rest of You...

I have so many this year! I want to celebrate you all in one fell swoop. For all the shitty shit that happens to people and the shitty people that make it even shittier, there are people I know, people I hear about, who, like many a weary Japanese food scientist, take shit and make delicious turd steaks by simply doing the right thing. You are lovers, righters of wrongs, champions of reason and being reasonable and, honestly, the reason I wake up every morning.

Could you be my Valentine?

Do you
1.   offer before someone has a chance to ask? VALENTINE!
2.   give freely? VALENTINE!  You are no Geppetto! No strings for you!
3.   tell people you love them when you do? VALENTINE!
4.   hug without reservation, but respect people's space? VALENTINE!
5.   value people over things and money? VALENTINE!
6.   accept your body and don't judge people on theirs? VALENTINE!
7.   know you don't know everything and are okay with that? VALENTINE!
8.   stand up for those that can't stand up for themselves? VALENTINE!
9.   willingly make sacrifices for a friend that needs help? VALENTINE!
10. put your kids first? VALENTINE!
11. ask for help now, after years of useless suffering? VALENTINE!
12. find yourself alone, finally, for all the right reasons? VALENTINE!
13. fill people up? VALENTINE!
14. build people up? VALENTINE!
15. sympathize before you judge? VALENTINE!
16. give the benefit of the doubt? VALENTINE!
17. see the world in technicolor, not black and white? VALENTINE!
18. choose to not be ashamed of who you are, warts and all? VALENTINE!
19. believe? try? fail and still feel okay? VALENTINE!
20. act like a human volcano, erupting with hope, burning with a desire to be better, and cover everyone in your vicinity with fine dust of "We're all going to be alright."? VALENTINE!

I'm bringing you all in for a virtual huggle, your heads resting on my fluffy, heaving bosom while love pours out of me and covers you like a freshly glazed doughnut of love.

Now for the rest of you fuckers:

Do you
1.   judge before you love? SUDDEN INTRACTABLE ENNUI!
2.   think of your children as an inconvenience? LEGOS IN YOUR SHOES FOREVER!
3.   actually believe that bootstrappin' is universal? A THOUSAND KICKS IN THE ASS!
4.   encourage divisive behavior? ENDLESS CAMPFIRE KUMBAYA SINGALONG!
5.   think that people that don't fit your standard of beauty are less than you? LICE! YOU GET LICE!
6.   believe your religion is the only valid religion? HEAVEN WILL BE AN ETERNITY OF UU MEETINGS
7.   use social media to bully people? LEPROSY!
8.   treat your friends like royalty and your family like serfs? EAR BOXING AND AGGRESSIVE LEECHING
9.   deny your privilege and claim to be a victim? STUDENT LOAN SNAFU THAT NEVER ENDS
10. agree with Kanye? Meh. You're already dead inside. AS YOU WERE

Song for my Valentines... I Will Always Love You
Song for the people that make my people miserable... Medicine

Monday, February 9, 2015

Doin' It, Doin' It, Doin' It Well

Dear Eve,

I really like my new girlfriend but she wants to have some pretty far out sex. I feel like I'm open sexually, but she is like     w  i   d  e     o   p   e   n.   
It is early in the relationship but we seem to be on the same page on everything else which is hard to find. 

Is sexual incompatibility a relationship-breaker? Who should give in? I simply don't feel comfortable with the road she wants to go down.


Image by Sarah Eshak
Buy it here:

Dear Karen,

Way to go! Congratulations on finding an awesome girlfriend! Someone that suits you in all the right places is a gift. Fitting together sexually, though, is super-duper holy-cow sweet-pickled-beaver! important. I would posit that you are not quite as compatible as you think you are if you really are in different time zones in the physical love department, my sweet lady.

You may be able to show a spender that it can be fun to save, a slob that a cleaner house is simply more relaxing, motivate a couch potato.... But changing what turns someone on? That's rewiring someone, changing a fundamental part of them. That's both of you quietly crying after sex because neither one of you is getting your needs met. That shit right there makes ME cry.

Maybe I'm a little myopic on the subject. I really believe that we shouldn't change how we express ourselves sexually to make a relationship work because, frankly, sex doesn't work that way. Unless it's in your nature to be open to explore, accept, reject, and laugh about it and be "wide open", as you say, but then you wouldn't need advice. You're not laughing, Karen. You're a big, ol' sad clown in your little love circus. I think it's time you become the ringmaster.

Be very good friends with your lady. Be the best friends. Find someone else, though, to hump you through these cold winter nights, unless you're in Florida then FUCK OFF, KAREN. FUCK OFF! There's is a person out there for you. Remember: there will be years when you're broke, going through hard times, hitting roadblocks, eating shit sandwiches on the reg... those are times when staying connected physically can save your asses and remind you of the salad days. And then, Karen, when you're old and grey and full of sleep and nodding by the fire, you're going to want a woman that's going to take you by the hand, bring you to bed and make you remember why you're still breathing.

This is not the time to settle! It's your time, babe! Go forth and find your match! If Newt Gingrich can find three women to marry him and mess with the space/time continuum and break ancient laws of physics and decency, I am extremely confident that there is someone made to fit your curves, who will return your smile with a twinkle, who will melt into your arms like full-fat butter on a hot biscuit and who will, most importantly, not want you to wear a fox tail butt plug if you're not into it. (Thanks Etsy! You always have what I need!)

You've got this, Karen! You are a beautiful ancient sea turtle, swimming with mermaids; your shell covered with mossy dreams, your stumpy, scaly little legs ready to carry you onto an isthmus of passion, where you will lay love eggs for the rest of your days and hopefully not mistake a plastic bag for a jellyfish and die a horrific death from ingesting something that should have been banned decades ago.


Song of the day: If You're Into It

Saturday, February 7, 2015

Germans! Put A Stein on It!

Dear Eve,

I'm one of those people you don't like. I had an affair. It was strange and didn't follow what I think is a normal flow of affairs. First, the guy was from Germany, which makes him the nicest guy ever. Really, my perfect match beyond all reason or understanding. A wicked connection. But I said affair, so affair means I have a person that I am committed to, a good person, too, that I've been with for a long time. Not a perfect match, but a GOOD person. Second, we hardly ever saw each other and never actually did "it", though that didn't diminish the realness of it to me.

Then life happened in a big way. If there was a problem that could come up, it did. A complete mess. I couldn't maintain one relationship, let alone two. But the worst thing, I have to say, is the guilt of hurting two people you love, even though you love them differently. I couldn't throw enough love over to Germany to be fair and match what I wanted to give and couldn't bear thought of my partner finding out and feeling foolish or fooled. At the same time, if I could somehow not hurt anyone, I would change my citizenship status, ASAP, but that is dreaming and I can't afford to dream right now.

But I am a coward and can't end my international romance. I know if I see him or talk to him I will buckle and bend, so I have been avoiding it. He deserves Autobahn love, and I'm an American main street with a stop light at every corner.

I need advice. I don't know what to do. Please help!

Thanks in advance,

Dear Heart-broken,

Yeah. You're right. I'm not riding the cheating train, don't recommend it, don't want my taxes funding it, or have hard-working Americans riding the rails to get their thrills. That was a really bad metaphor. Meh. Blame it on the K-k-k-k-k-ketamine.

So let's look at you, Heart-broken. You: in a serious relationship with a GOOD person, you find a perfect match a little too late, take it too far, and now are in serious emotional shit. Good. If you're going to fuck up, fuck up like this. Feel guilty. Feel the burn. Basically think of cheating, even though you skipped the in-and-out (insert jerk-off gesture and serious eye roll), as carpet Napalming multiple families. Cheating destroys. It's a gift that keeps on giving and if there are kids involved, HELLO TRUST ISSUES! It's fucking selfish. Feel bad. Back the fuck up, turn around, look at your surroundings and do or do not do. Have the decency to have a whole feeling and act on it. Think about the people that will be collateral damage. I'm assuming you're an adult. You don't get to have your cake and eat it, too. In fact there is no cake. It's just kale now. ALL FUCKING KALE, ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

You don't need to make a big gesture or production to end your international affair. Your life is not and Indie Romance being screened at Sundance. You may want to send him a book, playlist, beautiful love letter to let him know what he meant to you, but why? To assuage your guilt? Finish the fantasy so you don't look like what you are, the cliche'd my-parter-is-not-enough-I-deserve-more-so-I'll-take-what-I-want person? Welcome to Long-term Relationshipville, where mid-life crises come in all shapes and sizes and very few people consistently see eye-to-eye as the years or decades pass.

You need to remember that everyone is a mess. No one has it figured out for real. Or for long. You'll go through these phases as long as you're alive and interacting with other humans. You are going to have golden years, black holes in your life-line, times so hard you feel like you are just a place-holder until your soul returns, glorious runs of blissed-out WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS JOY??, and tedium. Everyone has a time-share in Tedium. You'll have it all. Mr. Germany will have it all. Leave him to find someone that can really love him: openly, joyfully, completely. Release him and let him get loved like only a fine-ass German deserves.

Now, look at your life. Have a good cry. You have a GOOD partner. You are a lucky mother fucker. Obviously, it's not perfect if you're out at the dog park sniffing butts, but good people are hard to find. Cry yourself to sleep. Mourn the fact that The Universe cock-blocked you, but move on because the hard truth is a person is a person is a person. A decade in Germany might look an awful lot like a decade in Buffalo but you won't know unless you do it and if you do it, who's to say Canada won't call his name or yours after a time?

Get it the fuck together, Schnuckie, and chiffonade that kale. It's easier to swallow.

In the meantime, Sadsadder, and get your shit together.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Stop It. Now Break it Down

Dear Eve,

Please settle a dispute between my husband and me. He is very protective of his phone. I don't care. When I ask for it because I can't find mine or know he has a number I don't, whatever, he does not want to hand it over.  I am honestly perplexed why it's an issue.

He says it's no different than going through someone's purse or wallet. I say, if you don't have a thing to hide, there shouldn't be an issue. I have nothing to hide, therefore, I don't care. He cares, so I can only assume he has things he doesn't want me to see, which is a big issue to me. BIG.

What do you think? Does someone have something to hide if they don't want you looking at their phone?

Ms. Confused

Dear Ms. Obtuse,

You aren't confused. You understand but are choosing a big eyed "Wha????" to further a disingenuous position that you, Miss Nothing-to-Hide, cannot even imagine how anyone might want sole providence over what, for some, is the only thing they have left that they could begin to call ALL MINE. It's okay to have something private. In fact, big boys and girls should. It is a RIGHT. You might want to dig deep and see what hothouse flower you're growing in your soul that makes you feel that someone you are supposed to love and deeply respect has no right to a little privacy.

So, if'n you're wanting me to choose sides, I'm going with the (possibly) shady character you married instead of his passive aggressive wife (That's YOU! <3)

 Let me break it down for you on the dance floor:

Step One: You don't touch the phone.
Step Two: You don't ask for the passcode.
Step Three: You wait for the beat to drop, or for the person to get the information you need, whichever comes first.
Step Four: You understand that it is reasonable for a person to want something just for themselves, especially if they are cohabiting and/or procreating. Of course, if this person has a pied-à-terre at their disposal, fuck them. We hate those people. ::spits:: (See Fig 1)
Step Five: You are not his mother. Leave his damn phone alone and then
Step Six: Danse, Danse, Danse!
We're gonna take it to the bridge now and remind you this is really about modern manners. Your husband is right (LOOK, BABE! I AM PHYSICALLY ABLE TO SAY THAT!). Today's cell phones are the equivalent to someone's purse or wallet. It's simply rude. I would rather you ask a stranger about a suspicious mole (...and you should do that if you are in any way qualified and are concerned. You could save a life!) than pick up a phone that is not yours and peruse it at your leisure. Sure, he may have something to hide, but he might also love having something that is solely his domain: a virtual place where he can be himself and have racey wallpaper, embarrassing apps he would never admit to (Hey there, Mr. Egg Baby!), or love the idea that if he wanted to be shady, he could. Let a dude have some dreams, mmkay?

I do have caveats where I approve of the cell snoop, but that is a different animal and I've never claimed consistency in anything but my fondness of the male form and love of vintage lingerie. If the real problem is that you think he has a cheatin' heart, please read this. If not, babe, you need to relax. PM me. I know a couple tumblrs that can help.


Song of the day: Motörhead Please Don't Touch
Song of the day (privately, on MY phone- I'll cut you if you touch it): I'm going to the bridge with this one, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. 

Fig. 1