Thursday, January 8, 2015

Stop It. Now Break it Down

Dear Eve,

Please settle a dispute between my husband and me. He is very protective of his phone. I don't care. When I ask for it because I can't find mine or know he has a number I don't, whatever, he does not want to hand it over.  I am honestly perplexed why it's an issue.

He says it's no different than going through someone's purse or wallet. I say, if you don't have a thing to hide, there shouldn't be an issue. I have nothing to hide, therefore, I don't care. He cares, so I can only assume he has things he doesn't want me to see, which is a big issue to me. BIG.

What do you think? Does someone have something to hide if they don't want you looking at their phone?

Ms. Confused

Dear Ms. Obtuse,

You aren't confused. You understand but are choosing a big eyed "Wha????" to further a disingenuous position that you, Miss Nothing-to-Hide, cannot even imagine how anyone might want sole providence over what, for some, is the only thing they have left that they could begin to call ALL MINE. It's okay to have something private. In fact, big boys and girls should. It is a RIGHT. You might want to dig deep and see what hothouse flower you're growing in your soul that makes you feel that someone you are supposed to love and deeply respect has no right to a little privacy.

So, if'n you're wanting me to choose sides, I'm going with the (possibly) shady character you married instead of his passive aggressive wife (That's YOU! <3)

 Let me break it down for you on the dance floor:

Step One: You don't touch the phone.
Step Two: You don't ask for the passcode.
Step Three: You wait for the beat to drop, or for the person to get the information you need, whichever comes first.
Step Four: You understand that it is reasonable for a person to want something just for themselves, especially if they are cohabiting and/or procreating. Of course, if this person has a pied-à-terre at their disposal, fuck them. We hate those people. ::spits:: (See Fig 1)
Step Five: You are not his mother. Leave his damn phone alone and then
Step Six: Danse, Danse, Danse!
We're gonna take it to the bridge now and remind you this is really about modern manners. Your husband is right (LOOK, BABE! I AM PHYSICALLY ABLE TO SAY THAT!). Today's cell phones are the equivalent to someone's purse or wallet. It's simply rude. I would rather you ask a stranger about a suspicious mole (...and you should do that if you are in any way qualified and are concerned. You could save a life!) than pick up a phone that is not yours and peruse it at your leisure. Sure, he may have something to hide, but he might also love having something that is solely his domain: a virtual place where he can be himself and have racey wallpaper, embarrassing apps he would never admit to (Hey there, Mr. Egg Baby!), or love the idea that if he wanted to be shady, he could. Let a dude have some dreams, mmkay?

I do have caveats where I approve of the cell snoop, but that is a different animal and I've never claimed consistency in anything but my fondness of the male form and love of vintage lingerie. If the real problem is that you think he has a cheatin' heart, please read this. If not, babe, you need to relax. PM me. I know a couple tumblrs that can help.


Song of the day: Motörhead Please Don't Touch
Song of the day (privately, on MY phone- I'll cut you if you touch it): I'm going to the bridge with this one, if you know what I mean and I think that you do. 

Fig. 1