Monday, February 9, 2015

Doin' It, Doin' It, Doin' It Well

Dear Eve,

I really like my new girlfriend but she wants to have some pretty far out sex. I feel like I'm open sexually, but she is like     w  i   d  e     o   p   e   n.   
It is early in the relationship but we seem to be on the same page on everything else which is hard to find. 

Is sexual incompatibility a relationship-breaker? Who should give in? I simply don't feel comfortable with the road she wants to go down.


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Dear Karen,

Way to go! Congratulations on finding an awesome girlfriend! Someone that suits you in all the right places is a gift. Fitting together sexually, though, is super-duper holy-cow sweet-pickled-beaver! important. I would posit that you are not quite as compatible as you think you are if you really are in different time zones in the physical love department, my sweet lady.

You may be able to show a spender that it can be fun to save, a slob that a cleaner house is simply more relaxing, motivate a couch potato.... But changing what turns someone on? That's rewiring someone, changing a fundamental part of them. That's both of you quietly crying after sex because neither one of you is getting your needs met. That shit right there makes ME cry.

Maybe I'm a little myopic on the subject. I really believe that we shouldn't change how we express ourselves sexually to make a relationship work because, frankly, sex doesn't work that way. Unless it's in your nature to be open to explore, accept, reject, and laugh about it and be "wide open", as you say, but then you wouldn't need advice. You're not laughing, Karen. You're a big, ol' sad clown in your little love circus. I think it's time you become the ringmaster.

Be very good friends with your lady. Be the best friends. Find someone else, though, to hump you through these cold winter nights, unless you're in Florida then FUCK OFF, KAREN. FUCK OFF! There's is a person out there for you. Remember: there will be years when you're broke, going through hard times, hitting roadblocks, eating shit sandwiches on the reg... those are times when staying connected physically can save your asses and remind you of the salad days. And then, Karen, when you're old and grey and full of sleep and nodding by the fire, you're going to want a woman that's going to take you by the hand, bring you to bed and make you remember why you're still breathing.

This is not the time to settle! It's your time, babe! Go forth and find your match! If Newt Gingrich can find three women to marry him and mess with the space/time continuum and break ancient laws of physics and decency, I am extremely confident that there is someone made to fit your curves, who will return your smile with a twinkle, who will melt into your arms like full-fat butter on a hot biscuit and who will, most importantly, not want you to wear a fox tail butt plug if you're not into it. (Thanks Etsy! You always have what I need!)

You've got this, Karen! You are a beautiful ancient sea turtle, swimming with mermaids; your shell covered with mossy dreams, your stumpy, scaly little legs ready to carry you onto an isthmus of passion, where you will lay love eggs for the rest of your days and hopefully not mistake a plastic bag for a jellyfish and die a horrific death from ingesting something that should have been banned decades ago.


Song of the day: If You're Into It

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