Saturday, February 7, 2015

Germans! Put A Stein on It!

Dear Eve,

I'm one of those people you don't like. I had an affair. It was strange and didn't follow what I think is a normal flow of affairs. First, the guy was from Germany, which makes him the nicest guy ever. Really, my perfect match beyond all reason or understanding. A wicked connection. But I said affair, so affair means I have a person that I am committed to, a good person, too, that I've been with for a long time. Not a perfect match, but a GOOD person. Second, we hardly ever saw each other and never actually did "it", though that didn't diminish the realness of it to me.

Then life happened in a big way. If there was a problem that could come up, it did. A complete mess. I couldn't maintain one relationship, let alone two. But the worst thing, I have to say, is the guilt of hurting two people you love, even though you love them differently. I couldn't throw enough love over to Germany to be fair and match what I wanted to give and couldn't bear thought of my partner finding out and feeling foolish or fooled. At the same time, if I could somehow not hurt anyone, I would change my citizenship status, ASAP, but that is dreaming and I can't afford to dream right now.

But I am a coward and can't end my international romance. I know if I see him or talk to him I will buckle and bend, so I have been avoiding it. He deserves Autobahn love, and I'm an American main street with a stop light at every corner.

I need advice. I don't know what to do. Please help!

Thanks in advance,

Dear Heart-broken,

Yeah. You're right. I'm not riding the cheating train, don't recommend it, don't want my taxes funding it, or have hard-working Americans riding the rails to get their thrills. That was a really bad metaphor. Meh. Blame it on the K-k-k-k-k-ketamine.

So let's look at you, Heart-broken. You: in a serious relationship with a GOOD person, you find a perfect match a little too late, take it too far, and now are in serious emotional shit. Good. If you're going to fuck up, fuck up like this. Feel guilty. Feel the burn. Basically think of cheating, even though you skipped the in-and-out (insert jerk-off gesture and serious eye roll), as carpet Napalming multiple families. Cheating destroys. It's a gift that keeps on giving and if there are kids involved, HELLO TRUST ISSUES! It's fucking selfish. Feel bad. Back the fuck up, turn around, look at your surroundings and do or do not do. Have the decency to have a whole feeling and act on it. Think about the people that will be collateral damage. I'm assuming you're an adult. You don't get to have your cake and eat it, too. In fact there is no cake. It's just kale now. ALL FUCKING KALE, ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

You don't need to make a big gesture or production to end your international affair. Your life is not and Indie Romance being screened at Sundance. You may want to send him a book, playlist, beautiful love letter to let him know what he meant to you, but why? To assuage your guilt? Finish the fantasy so you don't look like what you are, the cliche'd my-parter-is-not-enough-I-deserve-more-so-I'll-take-what-I-want person? Welcome to Long-term Relationshipville, where mid-life crises come in all shapes and sizes and very few people consistently see eye-to-eye as the years or decades pass.

You need to remember that everyone is a mess. No one has it figured out for real. Or for long. You'll go through these phases as long as you're alive and interacting with other humans. You are going to have golden years, black holes in your life-line, times so hard you feel like you are just a place-holder until your soul returns, glorious runs of blissed-out WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS JOY??, and tedium. Everyone has a time-share in Tedium. You'll have it all. Mr. Germany will have it all. Leave him to find someone that can really love him: openly, joyfully, completely. Release him and let him get loved like only a fine-ass German deserves.

Now, look at your life. Have a good cry. You have a GOOD partner. You are a lucky mother fucker. Obviously, it's not perfect if you're out at the dog park sniffing butts, but good people are hard to find. Cry yourself to sleep. Mourn the fact that The Universe cock-blocked you, but move on because the hard truth is a person is a person is a person. A decade in Germany might look an awful lot like a decade in Buffalo but you won't know unless you do it and if you do it, who's to say Canada won't call his name or yours after a time?

Get it the fuck together, Schnuckie, and chiffonade that kale. It's easier to swallow.

In the meantime, Sadsadder, and get your shit together.

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