Saturday, February 14, 2015

Valentine! How I Love Thee! Then There's the Rest of You...

I have so many this year! I want to celebrate you all in one fell swoop. For all the shitty shit that happens to people and the shitty people that make it even shittier, there are people I know, people I hear about, who, like many a weary Japanese food scientist, take shit and make delicious turd steaks by simply doing the right thing. You are lovers, righters of wrongs, champions of reason and being reasonable and, honestly, the reason I wake up every morning.

Could you be my Valentine?

Do you
1.   offer before someone has a chance to ask? VALENTINE!
2.   give freely? VALENTINE!  You are no Geppetto! No strings for you!
3.   tell people you love them when you do? VALENTINE!
4.   hug without reservation, but respect people's space? VALENTINE!
5.   value people over things and money? VALENTINE!
6.   accept your body and don't judge people on theirs? VALENTINE!
7.   know you don't know everything and are okay with that? VALENTINE!
8.   stand up for those that can't stand up for themselves? VALENTINE!
9.   willingly make sacrifices for a friend that needs help? VALENTINE!
10. put your kids first? VALENTINE!
11. ask for help now, after years of useless suffering? VALENTINE!
12. find yourself alone, finally, for all the right reasons? VALENTINE!
13. fill people up? VALENTINE!
14. build people up? VALENTINE!
15. sympathize before you judge? VALENTINE!
16. give the benefit of the doubt? VALENTINE!
17. see the world in technicolor, not black and white? VALENTINE!
18. choose to not be ashamed of who you are, warts and all? VALENTINE!
19. believe? try? fail and still feel okay? VALENTINE!
20. act like a human volcano, erupting with hope, burning with a desire to be better, and cover everyone in your vicinity with fine dust of "We're all going to be alright."? VALENTINE!

I'm bringing you all in for a virtual huggle, your heads resting on my fluffy, heaving bosom while love pours out of me and covers you like a freshly glazed doughnut of love.

Now for the rest of you fuckers:

Do you
1.   judge before you love? SUDDEN INTRACTABLE ENNUI!
2.   think of your children as an inconvenience? LEGOS IN YOUR SHOES FOREVER!
3.   actually believe that bootstrappin' is universal? A THOUSAND KICKS IN THE ASS!
4.   encourage divisive behavior? ENDLESS CAMPFIRE KUMBAYA SINGALONG!
5.   think that people that don't fit your standard of beauty are less than you? LICE! YOU GET LICE!
6.   believe your religion is the only valid religion? HEAVEN WILL BE AN ETERNITY OF UU MEETINGS
7.   use social media to bully people? LEPROSY!
8.   treat your friends like royalty and your family like serfs? EAR BOXING AND AGGRESSIVE LEECHING
9.   deny your privilege and claim to be a victim? STUDENT LOAN SNAFU THAT NEVER ENDS
10. agree with Kanye? Meh. You're already dead inside. AS YOU WERE

Song for my Valentines... I Will Always Love You
Song for the people that make my people miserable... Medicine


  1. Albert Hoffman M.D.February 21, 2015 at 3:19 AM

    pretentious bullshit often? "VALENTINE"! sometimes people throw out for their friends more because that's where they get love; don't consider their kids to be a burden but are driven away by over controlling intensely cruel spouses; and deny their privilege to get the asshole telling them that they're better at life because they were poor when they were young and now can't make more than a summer college job's salary. not badgering me to the point where I feel like I am going to shoot the flames of hell out of my asshole? VALENTINE! im gonna put a $20,000 hit, through jenny craig, to come find your ass and put you in the fat farm you fat troll. get bootstrappin to get fucked, not even google or urban dictionary can find that redneck shit.